Death

Tuesday 19th Jan 2010, 10:40pm

Dear brother

One should never be afraid of death

One should never be afraid of losing one's loved one to death.

It is so easy to say, but so hard to do. When one is losing someone to death, it's pain, fear, and sadness so sudden it takes your breath away. I've been there. And although I've lost so many people in my life, I have yet to learn how to deal with grief. I was glad I could be there for my friend. I guess after all, that's who I am, the one who wish to always be there for the people he cares about, regardless of what others might or might not respond to that. In time of loss, it's the feeling of having someone there that mattered.

Went to a friend farewell today. She will migrate somewhere, got married, settle down and never see us again. It's the end of an era, I guess. Somehow I got so used to farewell that I felt nothing. It's just like water passing right through me. Nothing. At least she'll be happy. Nothing changed for me. One's happiness have no effect on others. Life's but a series of unrelated events on unrelated people. Death's but a salvation for one individual and others will go on.

Just realized one of my friend's loved one passed away on 5th Feb (my birthday, in case you forget). She was young too. I was stunned for a moment. Life's so fragile sometimes. Death comes knocking when you don't even know it.

I realized I'm incredibly lucky to be alive. Well, not as alive as I want to be, but at least 'm still breathing. I want to make use of that. I want to live.

I guess I have no other choice but to pick up myself again. I allow myself to fall as far as I can. But as my friend has said "No one knows how to save you". I guess my life time wish for someone who would take care of me, who would fight, protect and cover me is just wishful thinking. As always I only have myself to rely on.

So today is the first day of the rest of my life, how will I live?

That, brother, is for us to reminisce 10 years later over a beer.

With love

Change

Monday 18th Jan 2010

Dear brother,

Life changes. Every day. In fact, we ourselves change, so much.

Talked to an old friend today, one I used to know well. Told her this "It's strange how life took us to places where we never thought we would be". Here she is, a scientist, marrying a guy that she loves and loves her back, without her parents being there. Here I am, stuck, in my life. Funny how she wished to be a doctor and how much I had wanted to be an architect. Child dreams. I wonder I will ever live long enough to live the dream. At least she got new ones with someone she loves. Me, I have no one.

And there was Q. The one girl I thought I could have loved. These days she have somehow become my own selfish obsession of angst, jealousy, and blame. She might or might not know it, but I'm so sorry. I am very very sorry, for being so unfair to her. For a very long time, I held on to the thought of her as a beautiful tragically cursed jewel that shattered every single time I think about it. Now she's happy. She seems to have found someone whose hands fit her better. Instead of being happy for her, I'm angry. Not with her, with myself. Everyone found a hand that fits. Mine is too ugly to be hold. No wonder she couldn't love it. No wonder no one could.

"The price for love is lost, but we pay for it anyway".

Anyway too much depressing talks these days. I'm sorry. I'm going through a tough time, and the fact is no one's there to help. Got to do with my annual pre-birthday stress, work tensions, and a lot of "Other people are so god damn happy and your life sucks" news.

I'll be fine I guess...

Tomorrow is a new day. I'd have changed by then. But I'm trying to slow it down. I didn't like the person I used to be so much, but I don't like what I am now. So moderation would be nice.

OK, time to go get some work done and study Japanese, I'm way behind in class now...

I just need to get these heavy stuffs out of my chest and get going with my hectic life.

With love,

Hope

I guess maybe there's hope.

After another round of delay, it seems the project is gonna go live. We are still working 12 hours day and Sundays and Saturdays, but at least there's hope for the end, the finishing line. So it's something we are holding on to. Hope.

There's a promise. Well, not really, it's pretty vague. But it's a promise (for the lack of better word) to compensate people on the sacrifices they made, and the contribution they have given in. It's also a promise for change, for progress for me, personally. I don't really buy in to all of that fancy words, but well, there's Hope.

There're new friends, new bonds. I guess human do enjoy the surface acquaintances and friends rather than deep human connections. Good enough I guess. After all we are all but longing for a little connections that keep us human, but not too much it distracts us from what we want in life. It's hope, but not reality.

There's hope for change.

There're mom, dad, and you. Going home next month for New Year, and my (god damn) birthday excites me. It's hope for a break, for no-work policy, for good night sleep, for togetherness, for love.

And then there's me, your self-centered, semi-depressed, self absorb obnoxious cynic who is incapable of holding on to hope for long.

I just hope this time it lasts longer than the last...

I'm alive

Thursday 14-Jan-2010, 2:00AM

Dear brother

I'm alive. It's so hard to even say that. Been working non-stop since last week. Sat. Sun. Monday 6pm - 9am. Tuesday 6pm - 7:30am. Wednesday 4pm until now. Sometimes I was alternating between the state of zombie and human. Sometimes when I sleep I feel alive, and when I wake and work I feel as if I'm in a surreal dream.

Tired of even being human.

I just realized I didn't learn much, or earn much in the past 1 year. All that time. All that sacrifice. I wish sometimes someone saw it. Tiring. God damn fucking tiring. There are still many things I don't know, and when the time is right, I could not even fix that... Feel overwhelmed by uselessness and fatigue somehow

I wish for once I could be an ass and choose NOT to do something because someone else NEED me to. I'm not even important. They don't even give a damn.

Perhaps the lack of sleep is turning me into a horrible person. Well, it's certainly not very uplifting to my borderline insanity rock bottom state of mind. Vicious cycles of delay and more redundant work, and life time wasted. Never ending. Never gonna mean anything.

Tomorrow new days will come. I keep telling myself when it cant get worse, it'll get better. Day by day it keeps getting worse.

I'm alive, somehow. As much as I can, I want to be alive, I want to LIVE life, to its fullest of meaning. But how long can I still hang on till the word itself lose its meaning... Maybe it's true, I don't need to be happy, to be happier alive.

I'm seriously considering a drastic change.

We'll see, 10 years later, how I will survive this.

A concert of Past Phantoms

09-01-2010

Dear brother,

I went to an A Capella concert today.

I don't know if I ever mentioned to you, but when I was in University (ah, those were the days), I used to sing A Capella, in a group. It was a small cozy students thing, and I wasn't any good. I guess when I started working, that part of me died somewhere, buried deep under my untalented voice (and my ugly face). As a tenor, now I cant even sing a proper high key in a Boyband song.

The truth is, I don't miss singing at all. I don't even miss the stage. The light, the audience, the friends. They all died with that part of me, somewhere. Tonight was kinda a phantom of that.

I can't remember when was the last time I went to a concert (I think 2008 before I changed job, it was an NUS thing) or a social event in general. Blazer, cologne, hair gel, all dressed up for the event where I know I would end up smoking alone during intermission. Don't get me wrong, I totally enjoyed the performance, there are great songs and great performers (except for, hmmm, the SMU kids). It's just it's a stupid social notion that it's sad when you go to a concert alone. I met an old friend and the first thing that came out from his mouth was "Who are you going with tonight?" Awkward silence.

It's just, I'm a little jealous. My friend found their passion. They know what they want and they got so good at it. I'm just a senior programmer. Photo snapper. Painter. Not even a good programmer. Not even a photographer. Not even an artist. I just wish I had that courage to pursue what I want. To BE what I wish I could have become.

Work has been challenging. Night shifts after night shifts. Sat and Sun. Also there are underlined tension after the project recommendation for promotion across teams in March. It's like I can feel silent middle fingers. I KNOW for the fact that there are people way better than me, there are people that deserve it more than me. I actually asked to make sure they got nominated as well. But I will NOT apologize for the fact that, just as everyone, I strove hard and made sacrifices; and that was recognized. I had never compromised my integrity to get there.

Life is like a performance. Sometimes you are in the light. Sometimes you are in the dark. Sometimes you have your lines, your emotions, your chords. Sometimes you are lost. Sometimes you are with friends. Sometimes you play a monologue.

Most of the time you are all alone.

Tonight, listen to the voices and the beats of the past, I guess I finally found closure.

I guess this whole 2010 and Feb events are getting to me. 26 days. 25. It's like I'm desperately wanting for something, or someone, to happen. Nothing did.

Time to sleep. Long work days ahead.

Exit, stage left...

Good morning

07-Jan-2010

Waking up. Washing up. Eating rush breakfast. Putting on Office clothes. Pretense. It's another day...

Tired. Too tired to form a full sentence.

It all seemed to come down on me in such a short time. I don't even know where to start, or stop, or just sit, stone, and cry.

I'm tired of apologizing for having things I deserve to have, for the things that i have fought so hard for. People think my life is easy.

I'm tired of doing things I do not want to do, and day in and day out explain and apologize for it.

I'm tired of fighting the war that is not mine.

I'm sick and fucking tired of people.

The days keep getting longer. Work. Work. Work. Strings pulled at all directions. Plans delayed. People demand non-stop 72 hours of System support. People demand Fixes. People demanding more more and more. Sister is driving me crazy. Mom is driving me crazy. Friends are driving me crazy. People demand time. People demand forgiveness. People demand explanations. People demand me to be the person I am not. Endless demands.

They all want more from me. Everyone.

When will it be, just for once, about what I want.

Brother, I just need a friend, I guess...

Give me strength, will ya?

Loss

4th Jan 2010

Dear brother,

I think I'm at a loss. 3rd day into my long leave, and I'm already going insane. Maybe I should go back to work tomorrow, or Tuesday. Somehow it's just easier to work 12 hours a day than spending all this time to myself.

I guess it's the whole new year, new decade, new resolutions thing. 25. Scary number. I'm at a bit of a loss in direction in life. I am exactly where I was last year, career wise or the search of happiness wise. I probably know what I want to do, but I'm so scared and alone. You don't know how much I wish for a brother from the future to tell me it'll all be ok, that whatever choices I made now will make a better tomorrow for me. That I need not be alone.

I guess I'm at a bit of loss of faith. I don't even want to believe in the notion of having faith any more. Not making any sense. I just wish sometimes someone sees me for the person that I am, not what I look like or sound like. I just wish sometimes someone sees it and don't run away screaming. Sometimes I just wish someone is there. Anyone.

I guess I am at a loss of friendship. I gave up on them. And I want to tell them really how much I am sorry for that. I don't give up on people. But I do now. Even my closest friends. And it's not even their fault. They have their own lives, their very own struggles. It's just, I'm tired to reach out. I'm tired to even try to reach out. I'm tired of being angry, of being second rated after a fan, or an elder, or a boyfriend, or a nap, etc. It's selfish and it is unfair. So I guess the most mature thing to do for me is to give up.

I guess I'm at a loss of strength to continue on with the search for happiness on my own. I guess I'll just let it be. It comes when it comes. It might never come. At least I'm not wasting my time fighting or expecting it. Tired of people sometimes.

Don't worry still I'm not suicidal. I want to live (and paint and photograph and watch TV and many things more, without being happy). I just wish I could like vanish to some mountain tops or ulu beaches and rest my tired mind. Singapore just drives me crazy. But then I cant book tickets because it's already too late.

I think I'm losing my mind.