Korea Korea

Dear brother,

I just came back from Korea last week, and I immediately got thrown back into the whole work-move house-relationship drama again. No rest for the wicked.

It was a good trip. There were threadful news of Typhoon and all that, but everything went pretty well. I took around 1200 photographs. It was restful and fun. I still don't fall in love with the country yet, but it is nevertheless a beautiful place to travel to

I bought some gifts for mom, dad and you.

It was a trip of peace too. I got to get in touch with my Buddhist side, and also a very relaxed, non-workaholic Pace. I guess I needed that. I was going crazy with work before that.

So brother, I know you are busy with schoolwork right now, but know that you'd have many many wonderful journeys in the future, thanks to the hard work and the effort you put in today

Love

Change (Cont)

Sat 28th Aug 2010

And so it happened. As we thought it would... well, sometimes I had doubts, but I thought it would finally happen.

I got promoted :) My first promotion (Although this is my third job, given I didn't get to reach this stage in previous jobs...) If I weren't so exhausted I'd probably jump up and down in joy. Now i'm just kinda let it sip in slowly, and enjoy it for what it is.

I'm tired. Been working 14-16 hours day for 3 weeks now. Today I worked 20 hours... I guess it's about time to re-prioritize my life's activities.

It's funny. I worked till the point that mom thought I had an accident. I worked until I forgot who I was and who my friends were. I had to admit I felt isolated and alone at times... I guess this is not the life I wanted, although I thought I wanted to.

I love my job, and I'm proud of the quality of my work. I'm proud of myself. I'm happy to learn from so many brilliant individuals. But, the project has gone live. I have gotten my promotion. My senior and my junior are leaving. What's left here for me?

Change. I feel I'm so ready for change, if I weren't so exhausted right now I'd probably tear someone part just so I can move forward with my life, like my name implies.

Somehow I thought I'd be happier :p I'm indeed grateful now, but everything is in a bit of a "Blah" state... And they wanted someone to replace me, just when I showed sign of weariness and frustrations...

It's hard to make it in life, esp in Singapore, little brother.

Love

Post Apocalyptic Vision

Saturday 7th Aug 2010,

Dear Brother,

I stepped into office, and I see death. People screaming, running around in complete chaos. Phones ringing, machine crashing. There were tears. There were yelling. The wall rumbles at the the sound of mixed chattering and fear. The project has been in Operation for 5 days...

I slept collectively about 24 hours in the past 5 days, while having flu and cough. I was just going on on the shear power of determination, and prayers alone.

It's a war zone. One with over hopeful commander and terrible lieutenant.

I tried to ask for help. Again and again. And in the end I was left alone at the front line.

It's tiring. I just feel like giving up.

Or I already have?

I guess I have made the right choice to tell you not to pick IT. I don't want this life for you. I will not let you come here too. I wish that life could be easy for either of us, and I wish I could have enough money to make sure you won't go through such hardship. But in the end you will, because it's life, and what constantly coming at us doesn't kill us, it will make us stronger somehow.

I don't know how long I can last in this pressure, but I'm dealing with it... I just feel like giving it up all together.

Love

Brother

A new chapter

Singapore, 5:45am 3rd Aug 2010

Dear brother

My first (multi million) project has gone LIVE. And although I'm down with flu with a terrible sore throat, and I have slept collectively about 12 hours in the past 3 days, I am so glad we made it.

It's been a tough 2 years, and it's gonna be another tough 3 months before we can say something for more certain. But it is a milestone in my career, and my life, nonetheless.

You asked me last week what career path should you choose. As your (always pretending to be [know it all]) brother, I advised based on what I thought your strength and weakness are. You said you felt better and you didn't have to think so much anymore.

The truth is. I don't know (I know, by the time you read this it'd probably be too late and you have picked for your own a path. But trust me, you will never regret the one you picked). I feel jealous with you :p I was 14 and I was clueless once. But I had no one there to tell me what to choose. So I picked a path, at 14. I still haven't regretted it, but sometimes I do wonder if it would be easier somewhere else, and not here.

The truth about career and work is that, you have to love what you do. Cliche as it is, because money is more important these days than it used to be, especially with our family. But you have to "stay hungry, stay foolish".

I know you will pick a path, and you will make the right choice.

Just like today, a project which seemed not for my interest, which was so hard and so difficult, which costs me months of working weekend and throughout the night. That project has gone LIVE. And it's being used to service 3 million people from tomorrow on...

It's a new chapter, and as scary as it is, I am ready for it.

I hope you are proud of me, as much as I am proud of you for being that young 14 year old boy figuring his life out :)

Love

First steps

Wednesday 21st July 2010, 11:00pm

Dear brother,

It's been a while, and the last thing I sent you were how sad and despair (I know, drama queen) I am over how stagnate my life is. Since then, I have taken (strong) steps to change things. Of course I'm doing things differently. I'm taking small (but fierce) baby steps. One thing at a time.

I attended my first volleyball training today. It's been 5 years since I last touched the yellow blue white ball. And I still suck (Actually I thought I played a lot better than I expected myself to be playing). Of course this being Singapore it's never good enough. And the fact that my Accenture team desperately needs a win to win overall champion didn't help. I'm kinda hoping that the key main players will all turn up on Saturday tournament so I don't have to play myself. But I'm not gonna get my spirit beaten up again. I'm actually more looking forward to the amateur group training on Sunday (a rare group that is none competitive which I spent 3 days Googling for). I'll go for every training on Sunday and eventually get better at it. Not to win. Not for anyone. Just for me, and my love for that bouncing ball.

I sent a request to change project. I know it's futile. But every achievement starts with the decision to try. So I tried. The chance is pretty close to 0, but in my life, 0 chances happened many times. NUS. NOC. ACN. I just need to continue to strive and to move forward. I'm tired of whining and playing the victim of Fate.

I'm working on my relationship. I guess it's been long since I was last with someone. But I want it to work out this time. I need to work on not being afraid of being happy, being vulnerable, letting someone in. I needed that.

On top of that I've been studying GMAT hard core, and did a lot of photography. So well, brother, I'm moving forward. Fiercely but slowly. I'm so ready for change I feel I can rip anyone apart if they stand on my way.

Just you wait. I'll proudly tell you how many asses I kicked soon

Love

Brother

Circles

Thursday 15th Jul 2010, 3:15am

Dear brother,

I just got home from work. It was a bizarrely bad day.

I stopped loving the work that I do. They tossed me around job scopes like a ball. No one helped. They pointed fingers at each other and at me. No one cared. I'm just so completely helpless and alone.

Being a relationship is hard. I guess I've been alone so long I forgot how to be with people. Everything is going in circles, back and forth, so much drama and turmoils. I'm exhausted.

I don't know how long I will last, with a heart that is disheartened and a mind that is exhausted.

I'm just hanging on to the nothingness I imagine myself to be the happiness I never had.

What is a man to do?

Brother, how I wish you were here, and you can read this...

Love

Killing Silence

Thursday 1st Jul 2010

Dear brother

Miserable. That's the first word that came to my mind when I woke up this morning. I'm feeling miserable.

I stopped loving my job. I dragged my feet to work, threadful of the feeling. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I used to love my job so much, even the long hours didn't stop me. My heart is long disheartened. I no longer want to do it. I feel like giving up on everything.

He will not talk to me. No one will talk to me. I feel completely blocked out.

My colleague grew quiet. He who used to be so cheery and so helpful. He withdrew in a corner.He no longer talks to us. I just feel so helpless and isolated. I gotta handle all the work with very minimal help, and every time something goes wrong it's all on me to take the blame and clean the shit. I'm exhausted.

My God Dad has no word left to talk to me. I cant reach him. I tried to reach him, but I cant. It hurts me to hurt someone I care about. It seems every time I try for something that I truly want in my life, I hurt someone. Every time I open my heart for the possibility of being loved unconditionally, being free to make my own choice, I just hurt someone. In the end, I walk alone.

My relationship is reaching a complete halt. Actually, it's going backwards. I didn't know why I thought it was possible in the first place. The physical distance between 2 person can really make the distance from the heart grow wider. And to think I would have made a choice of choosing the path of happiness over the lonely one that I'm so used to. It's laughable. I'm too self centered to understand anyone else. I'm too independent to lean on someone. I feel so alone even in a committed relationship.

Read the news about a Korean actor who just suicided recently. Although I didn't think of anyone who would kill himself (I would never do such thing now, although I used to think about it in the past), I think I know how it feels. I know what it is like to be a bad man, to be a sad man. I know how it feels to be left all alone and problems just pile up instead of calming down.

I feel all alone. I have no one to talk to. No one to take my hands through this anymore.

Only noise, harassment, and disappointment remain...