Tuesday, 5th Oct 2010
Dear brother,
Sometimes in life, when it gets so much you can't breathe, you just want to run away. Like today, when promises are continuously broken, all I could think of is my escape route.
So what did I do? I sent job applications to...Canada. I know the chance is technically 0, and I guess that's why I did it. I love my job. I didn't want to leave. But sometimes it's a fantasy to just escape, run somewhere so far away that it's impossible to turn back.
I'm still that guy, huh? Keep on running from place to place, keep on pressing through walls and mirrors that are so hard and so sharp.
And then there's my relationship...
What's a man to do, brother?
Love
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Being Thankful
Thursday 30-09-2010, 3AM
Dear brother,
Sometimes, when you have a stretch of bad days, and a good day came to surprised you with a breath of fresh air. It feels amazing.
I spent the morning with the people I love. Chatting a little with my God dad. Be there for my love in crisis :p And be there for Mom. I got a lot of work done. We went celebrating a senior manager promotion and I got to drink a lot of good white wine (which I love). And I got my work done at 1am and got home.
So instead of being my usual unappreciative, cynical, suicidal self, I just want to say how thankful I am to be alive. I am.
I'm thankful for I can be there for the people that I love. For I can still touch their lives. But foremost, I am thankful that I am courageous enough to let them in, to let them BE. I was scared of being hurt and scared of being alone, so much so that I sealed myself off, being a lone cynical porcupine. I'm learning to be loved, and learning to ask for help, learning to take control of my life. I am learning.
The fact is, brother, at 25, you think you are the toughest guy in the world, where you were just a scared little kid who cant afford to show his vulnerabilities. And I'm thankful, for today at least, I was true to myself.
I kick ass at my work. I can help and I can do amazing output work. Sure I screwed up on something, but I knew it was fine. I'm thankful for my job, my colleagues, and my work environment.
I am funny. I brought laughters to the room, even to strangers. We were drinking and laughing so much. So I'm thankful too, for laughters, for the ability to easily laugh, and to entertain. Life feels better when you are not overthinking stuffs all the time.
So that was it. I'm heading for bed. I just wanted to share with you a good day, and I hope you, too, can appreciate everyday as they come
Love
Dear brother,
Sometimes, when you have a stretch of bad days, and a good day came to surprised you with a breath of fresh air. It feels amazing.
I spent the morning with the people I love. Chatting a little with my God dad. Be there for my love in crisis :p And be there for Mom. I got a lot of work done. We went celebrating a senior manager promotion and I got to drink a lot of good white wine (which I love). And I got my work done at 1am and got home.
So instead of being my usual unappreciative, cynical, suicidal self, I just want to say how thankful I am to be alive. I am.
I'm thankful for I can be there for the people that I love. For I can still touch their lives. But foremost, I am thankful that I am courageous enough to let them in, to let them BE. I was scared of being hurt and scared of being alone, so much so that I sealed myself off, being a lone cynical porcupine. I'm learning to be loved, and learning to ask for help, learning to take control of my life. I am learning.
The fact is, brother, at 25, you think you are the toughest guy in the world, where you were just a scared little kid who cant afford to show his vulnerabilities. And I'm thankful, for today at least, I was true to myself.
I kick ass at my work. I can help and I can do amazing output work. Sure I screwed up on something, but I knew it was fine. I'm thankful for my job, my colleagues, and my work environment.
I am funny. I brought laughters to the room, even to strangers. We were drinking and laughing so much. So I'm thankful too, for laughters, for the ability to easily laugh, and to entertain. Life feels better when you are not overthinking stuffs all the time.
So that was it. I'm heading for bed. I just wanted to share with you a good day, and I hope you, too, can appreciate everyday as they come
Love
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Hello and Goodbye
Tuesday, 29th September 2010, 12:30 am
There is Hello, and soon there is Goodbye.
Kok Wah's last day at project is Thursday. He was an amazing colleague, senior, friend, to work with.
It's his choice to leave, so he can be home with his family. He made a choice a lot of us could not make. To leave a better place, higher pay, freedom behind for that is important. Family.
In life you meet people, they made positive (or negative) impacts in your life. And you part ways. That's inevitable. As emo as I sound about it, I came to be used to it. Hellos and Goodbyes. They are just words. They are not meant as much any more.
It's been a rough few days at work, so I decided to pretend to be not dealing with it right now. I'm procrastinating so many things. Facing issues is of low priority right now. I'm still alive but I barely am breathing.
Funny thing is, I don't miss home. I don't know, if like him, I would give up what I have to be home. Perhaps I do have a let go issue.
So, say goodbye. Say it again. And once more. November is coming...
I wonder when you are old enough to read this, would you be angry with me? Would you think I'm irresponsible brother who ran away so far for his freedom? Or would you have chosen the same choice.
To keep saying goodbyes and keep moving on, rather than keep looking back and holding back. I've been both. But I'd prefer the cynical, always running forward Pace.
So goodbye.
There is Hello, and soon there is Goodbye.
Kok Wah's last day at project is Thursday. He was an amazing colleague, senior, friend, to work with.
It's his choice to leave, so he can be home with his family. He made a choice a lot of us could not make. To leave a better place, higher pay, freedom behind for that is important. Family.
In life you meet people, they made positive (or negative) impacts in your life. And you part ways. That's inevitable. As emo as I sound about it, I came to be used to it. Hellos and Goodbyes. They are just words. They are not meant as much any more.
It's been a rough few days at work, so I decided to pretend to be not dealing with it right now. I'm procrastinating so many things. Facing issues is of low priority right now. I'm still alive but I barely am breathing.
Funny thing is, I don't miss home. I don't know, if like him, I would give up what I have to be home. Perhaps I do have a let go issue.
So, say goodbye. Say it again. And once more. November is coming...
I wonder when you are old enough to read this, would you be angry with me? Would you think I'm irresponsible brother who ran away so far for his freedom? Or would you have chosen the same choice.
To keep saying goodbyes and keep moving on, rather than keep looking back and holding back. I've been both. But I'd prefer the cynical, always running forward Pace.
So goodbye.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
The question of Love is
Sunday 26th Sept 2010
Can love and friendship co-exist?
Last week we were supposed to have a gathering. It did not happen. Among the reasons there are Work, there are Army, and there is "My girlfriend wants me to spend more time with her during the weekend". And I couldn't help but wonder the above.
The fact is, your brother himself is in a bit of a struggle here. Working 12 hours a day. Having a new-born relationship. Spending time with family/friends/ and the people that matter. And struggling with his own sanity. I slept on average 5 hours a day.
When I was younger (and hence more naive), I used to hate these "girlfriends" or "boyfriends", because it seems they come in between and take a way the awesome brotherhood and friendship. Then I got cynical and thought if they are that way they are not closed friends. Now, when I'm old enough, I realized, the questions is, "Is it me and my friendship that come in between and is taking their own sweet precious couple time".
At the end of the day, friends changed. Love remained. Or did it?
I'm in a relationship. I'm happy with it. I am. But I have never felt so alone. Maybe work and fatigue is taking a toll on me. Maybe I miss my time with you, with our family, with god Dad, with my friends (who no longer care to be with me).
Sometimes in life you just cant have it all can it? I just wish I had 48 hours a day for work, for study, for sports, for family, for you. I feel like such a lousy human being.
But then again, when I have all that time, I'll realize people wouldn't want to spend so much time with me anymore.
So I guess I should just be contented with what I have, and treasure each moment in life as it is
Love
Can love and friendship co-exist?
Last week we were supposed to have a gathering. It did not happen. Among the reasons there are Work, there are Army, and there is "My girlfriend wants me to spend more time with her during the weekend". And I couldn't help but wonder the above.
The fact is, your brother himself is in a bit of a struggle here. Working 12 hours a day. Having a new-born relationship. Spending time with family/friends/ and the people that matter. And struggling with his own sanity. I slept on average 5 hours a day.
When I was younger (and hence more naive), I used to hate these "girlfriends" or "boyfriends", because it seems they come in between and take a way the awesome brotherhood and friendship. Then I got cynical and thought if they are that way they are not closed friends. Now, when I'm old enough, I realized, the questions is, "Is it me and my friendship that come in between and is taking their own sweet precious couple time".
At the end of the day, friends changed. Love remained. Or did it?
I'm in a relationship. I'm happy with it. I am. But I have never felt so alone. Maybe work and fatigue is taking a toll on me. Maybe I miss my time with you, with our family, with god Dad, with my friends (who no longer care to be with me).
Sometimes in life you just cant have it all can it? I just wish I had 48 hours a day for work, for study, for sports, for family, for you. I feel like such a lousy human being.
But then again, when I have all that time, I'll realize people wouldn't want to spend so much time with me anymore.
So I guess I should just be contented with what I have, and treasure each moment in life as it is
Love
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Korea Korea
Dear brother,
I just came back from Korea last week, and I immediately got thrown back into the whole work-move house-relationship drama again. No rest for the wicked.
It was a good trip. There were threadful news of Typhoon and all that, but everything went pretty well. I took around 1200 photographs. It was restful and fun. I still don't fall in love with the country yet, but it is nevertheless a beautiful place to travel to
I bought some gifts for mom, dad and you.
It was a trip of peace too. I got to get in touch with my Buddhist side, and also a very relaxed, non-workaholic Pace. I guess I needed that. I was going crazy with work before that.
So brother, I know you are busy with schoolwork right now, but know that you'd have many many wonderful journeys in the future, thanks to the hard work and the effort you put in today
Love
I just came back from Korea last week, and I immediately got thrown back into the whole work-move house-relationship drama again. No rest for the wicked.
It was a good trip. There were threadful news of Typhoon and all that, but everything went pretty well. I took around 1200 photographs. It was restful and fun. I still don't fall in love with the country yet, but it is nevertheless a beautiful place to travel to
I bought some gifts for mom, dad and you.
It was a trip of peace too. I got to get in touch with my Buddhist side, and also a very relaxed, non-workaholic Pace. I guess I needed that. I was going crazy with work before that.
So brother, I know you are busy with schoolwork right now, but know that you'd have many many wonderful journeys in the future, thanks to the hard work and the effort you put in today
Love
Friday, August 27, 2010
Change (Cont)
Sat 28th Aug 2010
And so it happened. As we thought it would... well, sometimes I had doubts, but I thought it would finally happen.
I got promoted :) My first promotion (Although this is my third job, given I didn't get to reach this stage in previous jobs...) If I weren't so exhausted I'd probably jump up and down in joy. Now i'm just kinda let it sip in slowly, and enjoy it for what it is.
I'm tired. Been working 14-16 hours day for 3 weeks now. Today I worked 20 hours... I guess it's about time to re-prioritize my life's activities.
It's funny. I worked till the point that mom thought I had an accident. I worked until I forgot who I was and who my friends were. I had to admit I felt isolated and alone at times... I guess this is not the life I wanted, although I thought I wanted to.
I love my job, and I'm proud of the quality of my work. I'm proud of myself. I'm happy to learn from so many brilliant individuals. But, the project has gone live. I have gotten my promotion. My senior and my junior are leaving. What's left here for me?
Change. I feel I'm so ready for change, if I weren't so exhausted right now I'd probably tear someone part just so I can move forward with my life, like my name implies.
Somehow I thought I'd be happier :p I'm indeed grateful now, but everything is in a bit of a "Blah" state... And they wanted someone to replace me, just when I showed sign of weariness and frustrations...
It's hard to make it in life, esp in Singapore, little brother.
Love
And so it happened. As we thought it would... well, sometimes I had doubts, but I thought it would finally happen.
I got promoted :) My first promotion (Although this is my third job, given I didn't get to reach this stage in previous jobs...) If I weren't so exhausted I'd probably jump up and down in joy. Now i'm just kinda let it sip in slowly, and enjoy it for what it is.
I'm tired. Been working 14-16 hours day for 3 weeks now. Today I worked 20 hours... I guess it's about time to re-prioritize my life's activities.
It's funny. I worked till the point that mom thought I had an accident. I worked until I forgot who I was and who my friends were. I had to admit I felt isolated and alone at times... I guess this is not the life I wanted, although I thought I wanted to.
I love my job, and I'm proud of the quality of my work. I'm proud of myself. I'm happy to learn from so many brilliant individuals. But, the project has gone live. I have gotten my promotion. My senior and my junior are leaving. What's left here for me?
Change. I feel I'm so ready for change, if I weren't so exhausted right now I'd probably tear someone part just so I can move forward with my life, like my name implies.
Somehow I thought I'd be happier :p I'm indeed grateful now, but everything is in a bit of a "Blah" state... And they wanted someone to replace me, just when I showed sign of weariness and frustrations...
It's hard to make it in life, esp in Singapore, little brother.
Love
Friday, August 6, 2010
Post Apocalyptic Vision
Saturday 7th Aug 2010,
Dear Brother,
I stepped into office, and I see death. People screaming, running around in complete chaos. Phones ringing, machine crashing. There were tears. There were yelling. The wall rumbles at the the sound of mixed chattering and fear. The project has been in Operation for 5 days...
I slept collectively about 24 hours in the past 5 days, while having flu and cough. I was just going on on the shear power of determination, and prayers alone.
It's a war zone. One with over hopeful commander and terrible lieutenant.
I tried to ask for help. Again and again. And in the end I was left alone at the front line.
It's tiring. I just feel like giving up.
Or I already have?
I guess I have made the right choice to tell you not to pick IT. I don't want this life for you. I will not let you come here too. I wish that life could be easy for either of us, and I wish I could have enough money to make sure you won't go through such hardship. But in the end you will, because it's life, and what constantly coming at us doesn't kill us, it will make us stronger somehow.
I don't know how long I can last in this pressure, but I'm dealing with it... I just feel like giving it up all together.
Love
Brother
Dear Brother,
I stepped into office, and I see death. People screaming, running around in complete chaos. Phones ringing, machine crashing. There were tears. There were yelling. The wall rumbles at the the sound of mixed chattering and fear. The project has been in Operation for 5 days...
I slept collectively about 24 hours in the past 5 days, while having flu and cough. I was just going on on the shear power of determination, and prayers alone.
It's a war zone. One with over hopeful commander and terrible lieutenant.
I tried to ask for help. Again and again. And in the end I was left alone at the front line.
It's tiring. I just feel like giving up.
Or I already have?
I guess I have made the right choice to tell you not to pick IT. I don't want this life for you. I will not let you come here too. I wish that life could be easy for either of us, and I wish I could have enough money to make sure you won't go through such hardship. But in the end you will, because it's life, and what constantly coming at us doesn't kill us, it will make us stronger somehow.
I don't know how long I can last in this pressure, but I'm dealing with it... I just feel like giving it up all together.
Love
Brother
