Lonely Planet

Tuesday 30th March 2010,

Dear brother,

I just came back from my overseas trip in Malacca, and yet I'm already overloaded with work, and down with a fever. I guess I'm just overworking myself, mind and body.

The trip was fine. It has many high points. Beautiful and charming people. Beautiful places. It was very peaceful, and quiet. The hotel was great, I enjoyed lots of complimentary stuffs.  I was swimming lazily in the pool, watching the magnificent dying sunset on the town.

That was when I realized, I have never been so alone.

Well, maybe it's an exaggeration, since it was way worse years back. Now I have family, god dad, and someone who cares for me. Still, I feel this sense of isolation, far away from all those loved ones. I feel like a middle age man, running away from his mid-life crisis just to see the sun set. It's unsettling.

I enjoyed traveling alone. The flexibility is great. But when I go around alone, no one to take pictures, no one to share meals with, no one to share the beds with, etc. It just hits me, I cant always be alone like this. I'll get old. I'll get sick. Who, then, will be there?

If one know they can't be together now, would we still hope to be together in the future? Sometimes it's even scarier to hang on to hope, then to be in despair. I'm caring  for someone and I'm scared of that feeling, because of the distance, and the time that we are apart.

I'm sorry I'm so whinny these days. I missed that happy, cheery child. But that person told me to be the child, to be vulnerable, and to fear. I smiled for that, because I have been strong and invincible for so long it's tiring.

Change. I just need something to change...

I'm lonely.

Bonds and Fears

To love is to fear.

I almost forgot how nice it is to meet someone new in your life, a friend. I guess it's been so long since I open up to someone outside my very closed circle of friends. It's exciting, and scary, all at the same time.

It's great to have someone you can talk absolutely everything to, someone who just gets you (like my new Dad). It's great to have someone who says "I get it. I'm with you. I will protect you". For once it is not so scary to be vulnerable...

I'm scared. But I'm not scared to show it.

I don't know where this is going. But I'm taking it slow and going with it. I may fall. My heart may break again. I know this risk (just like I know when I told my best friend I'd like to be his god son, not knowing how he'd react to it).

But then I maybe whole, and happy.

In the end, that is what I want. It is worth all the risk in the world to get that.

God Father

Friday March 5th 2010, 12:35AM

Dear brother

I made a commitment today with a man that I don't think I'll ever break. (LOL, gotcha. No I'm not getting married). I got a new GOD dad.

By the time you read this letter you would have the chance to know him and meet him, because you are family and he is family. I would like for you 2 to get along.

I must be an incredibly lucky guy. I love Dad, very much (I'll tell you stories about me and Dad in another entry), and I told him he will not replace Dad. He is just another Dad. Because he just, you know, gets me and trusts in me, the way fathers do.

Made me miss God Mom too (will write another entry about her). Now I have 2 moms and 2 dads, and not all of them are married to each other. :p Funny huh

You see sometimes in life you come across great people. Sometimes they can be so far away from you it's funny to think how they could be such an important part of your life. The way you, mom, and Dad are important to me, so far yet so dear to my heart. So I don't want to let that feeling go to waste. He loves me like a brother and a son. So I'd like to return that, the way sons do.

He was here for me when I just need someone to be there. He trusted me when I lost faith in my friends and myself. And he's real and down to earth (unlike some religious idol). For him I'd like to try to be happy, to be the best man I can be. Just like the way I've tried to live my life for Mom, Dad, and you.

I hope he gets that, too.

Can't wait to have a beer with you and him :p He's a great dude, trust me!

My would have been progress in 2010

Thursday, 11:41 PM, 25-02-10

I didn't get it.

I didn't expect it, but I did want it. I did wish, for once, that it wouldn't be so hard to get what I want. I just wish, for once, I could have what I want without fighting, screaming, sweating, and shedding blood for it. And I thought last year I already worked hard enough for it.

When you work towards something too hard, you become wanting it so much it fucks you up.

I feel a sense of lost.

People my age have moved on. Marriage. Study. Career. I'm stagnated here, where I am.

I miss myself 20. So young, so naive, so ready to take on the world.

Now I just feel so tired, jaded, and all alone.

Will tomorrow ever be a better, easier day?

Will I ever get it?

They say I'm trying too hard. If I didn't try, where would I be?

In the end, I'm just here. Stuck. Lost. Losing my sanity and even the ability to feel sad or to cry.

What would you do, brother?

With regards,

What do I want?

1pm, 23-02-2010

Dear brother,

It's lunch break in office so I type a note for you. Coming back to work has been hectic, but I think I kinda kick ass at what I do, so I will gladly do it.

I spent about 3 hours yesterday designing a poster titled "What do I want?". I guess for a very long time I was just trying so hard to barge forward without a plan in mind. I guess you can lie around all day wanting for things to change. But if you want something badly enough, you have to be brave and face it.

Last year I was kinda just try to please people, to make mom and dad happy, to please my bosses, to keep my friends around, etc. I'm tired of that. I forgot what I want to do. Time to get back in focus.

First will be career. By the end of this year my bond with Singapore is over. Endless possibilities. I guess I'd try to have my promotion by then. After which I'd apply a job in some other countries, maybe, just to explore more.

Next will be a good MBA program. I'm studying hard for GMAT, and it's really good. I hope I can score well by the end of this year and then apply for some good schools. Will need to get off my ass to write a kick ass cover letter and motivational speech. What a pain!

I want to work a bit on health and fitness too. Getting fat :p

I'm aiming to win an Arts/Photography contest. So I'll hone my skills and keep taking and sending my works to competitions everywhere. Wish me luck.

I want to travel. I want to also speak my French, Jap and Chinese fluently too. Study study study!!!

I guess at last I want to be happy with someone. I don't know who. I don't know when. But I guess I need to work on being with others and not being afraid to be happy. I tend to always scare of togetherness and happiness and pushing people away.

So well, that's what I want in a nutshell. Quite a lot to be achieved in 1-2 years, but I'm all ready to fight.

I guess I'm superhuman after all :p

Cheer me on!

Where we belong

Sunday 21st Feb 2010

Dear brother,

I'm back in Singapore, after what could be the last long vacation in Vietnam. It's been wonderful to spend this important time of the year with the family, and with you. The moments when I cut ur finger nails, or when I taught you about integrity, or when I taught you photography, etc. will forever go down in my book of life's best moments. I hope when you do read this you would remember them still. I also hope you have found the lessons I taught you when you were 14 have been helping you. I'm gonna really miss you for the next few months till we meet.

It broke my heart, but I just realized that I no longer belong to Vietnam anymore. I mean I still love it as much as I possibly can, but it's not the same anymore. I love Vietnam for its charm and its love, but these days I feel like a foreigner. The way people look at me, the way they treat me, and even the way I treat them. I even said weird unfamiliar things like "Can I speak to your manager?" or "I wanna made a complaints about your restaurant". They charged me or talked to me as if I'm some foreign tourists. It broke my heart.

It's sad when you see the place you grew up in have changed so much. For the better I supposed. However, it's so strange and unfamiliar. I'm such a stranger.

I found love at home. Covered. Protected. Cared for. Mom and Dad and you. And for some that would be enough. But I have bigger plans in life. I want to grow and it feels like Vietnam (or Singapore for that matter) are holding me back. I hope one day you'd understand.

I guess we belong to the place we feel familiar, loved, and complete. It's that tiny little place in this chaotic world where you feel safe, even for just a second.

She hates me. I gave up on my closest friends. Mom and Dad don't know me the way they think. I feel so all alone, even when I was so loved.

I just wish I found that place where I belong soon.

So I can just lay down my head, and cry, like the child I once was.

With love,

Cung chuc Tan Xuan

Sunday 14th Feb 2010 - Canh Dan 1st

It's a new lunar year. It's a new spring, a new dawn.

Doing a lot of old school traditions things sure brought back nostalgia. Bursting balloons to replace fire-crackers. Lighting incense sticks. Having the whole flowers and fruits offerings. I'm not a big fan of fancy traditions and religious worship, but I guess I'll hang on to this and make sure my children will follow them. We are Vietnamese after all. Please be sure you and your children do the same.

Talking to our relatives overseas made me realize one thing. They have so much to hang on to. Image. Grieve. Angst. Even sadness. Uncle said "In my darkest hour my family wasn't there, you guys weren't there to support me". It made me realize, I don't want to be that guy. The angst is such a heavy thing. I want to see life like water, the past can't be changed. We live and die alone. So I'm gonna stop blaming my friends for not being there, because, somehow, by chance or by will, I wasn't there when a lot of people need me.

I'm making amends. To love. To loved ones. To myself. I guess I deserve better than being a sad bitter lonely guy who can never let go of the past.

So it's spring. And it's Valentines. So well, time to let sadness go and make sure tomorrow is another brand new sunshine day.

May love come in this beautiful year of the Tiger.

With love,