First steps

Wednesday 21st July 2010, 11:00pm

Dear brother,

It's been a while, and the last thing I sent you were how sad and despair (I know, drama queen) I am over how stagnate my life is. Since then, I have taken (strong) steps to change things. Of course I'm doing things differently. I'm taking small (but fierce) baby steps. One thing at a time.

I attended my first volleyball training today. It's been 5 years since I last touched the yellow blue white ball. And I still suck (Actually I thought I played a lot better than I expected myself to be playing). Of course this being Singapore it's never good enough. And the fact that my Accenture team desperately needs a win to win overall champion didn't help. I'm kinda hoping that the key main players will all turn up on Saturday tournament so I don't have to play myself. But I'm not gonna get my spirit beaten up again. I'm actually more looking forward to the amateur group training on Sunday (a rare group that is none competitive which I spent 3 days Googling for). I'll go for every training on Sunday and eventually get better at it. Not to win. Not for anyone. Just for me, and my love for that bouncing ball.

I sent a request to change project. I know it's futile. But every achievement starts with the decision to try. So I tried. The chance is pretty close to 0, but in my life, 0 chances happened many times. NUS. NOC. ACN. I just need to continue to strive and to move forward. I'm tired of whining and playing the victim of Fate.

I'm working on my relationship. I guess it's been long since I was last with someone. But I want it to work out this time. I need to work on not being afraid of being happy, being vulnerable, letting someone in. I needed that.

On top of that I've been studying GMAT hard core, and did a lot of photography. So well, brother, I'm moving forward. Fiercely but slowly. I'm so ready for change I feel I can rip anyone apart if they stand on my way.

Just you wait. I'll proudly tell you how many asses I kicked soon

Love

Brother

Circles

Thursday 15th Jul 2010, 3:15am

Dear brother,

I just got home from work. It was a bizarrely bad day.

I stopped loving the work that I do. They tossed me around job scopes like a ball. No one helped. They pointed fingers at each other and at me. No one cared. I'm just so completely helpless and alone.

Being a relationship is hard. I guess I've been alone so long I forgot how to be with people. Everything is going in circles, back and forth, so much drama and turmoils. I'm exhausted.

I don't know how long I will last, with a heart that is disheartened and a mind that is exhausted.

I'm just hanging on to the nothingness I imagine myself to be the happiness I never had.

What is a man to do?

Brother, how I wish you were here, and you can read this...

Love

Killing Silence

Thursday 1st Jul 2010

Dear brother

Miserable. That's the first word that came to my mind when I woke up this morning. I'm feeling miserable.

I stopped loving my job. I dragged my feet to work, threadful of the feeling. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I used to love my job so much, even the long hours didn't stop me. My heart is long disheartened. I no longer want to do it. I feel like giving up on everything.

He will not talk to me. No one will talk to me. I feel completely blocked out.

My colleague grew quiet. He who used to be so cheery and so helpful. He withdrew in a corner.He no longer talks to us. I just feel so helpless and isolated. I gotta handle all the work with very minimal help, and every time something goes wrong it's all on me to take the blame and clean the shit. I'm exhausted.

My God Dad has no word left to talk to me. I cant reach him. I tried to reach him, but I cant. It hurts me to hurt someone I care about. It seems every time I try for something that I truly want in my life, I hurt someone. Every time I open my heart for the possibility of being loved unconditionally, being free to make my own choice, I just hurt someone. In the end, I walk alone.

My relationship is reaching a complete halt. Actually, it's going backwards. I didn't know why I thought it was possible in the first place. The physical distance between 2 person can really make the distance from the heart grow wider. And to think I would have made a choice of choosing the path of happiness over the lonely one that I'm so used to. It's laughable. I'm too self centered to understand anyone else. I'm too independent to lean on someone. I feel so alone even in a committed relationship.

Read the news about a Korean actor who just suicided recently. Although I didn't think of anyone who would kill himself (I would never do such thing now, although I used to think about it in the past), I think I know how it feels. I know what it is like to be a bad man, to be a sad man. I know how it feels to be left all alone and problems just pile up instead of calming down.

I feel all alone. I have no one to talk to. No one to take my hands through this anymore.

Only noise, harassment, and disappointment remain...

LOST

Monday 28th June 2009

Dear brother,

It's been some time since I last sent you a letter. Lots have happened. Things have changed.

I've won a photography contest (and by now I hope you still remember how happy you were when you know I'd give it to you). It'd be the first contest I won for myself. It'd be the first game console you (and I) own.

I've been struggling with my work, and the feeling of being left behind. People have moved on. Marriage. First child. PhD. I'm here. The same old stuck me.

I wanted to make a decision, I wanted to do something for me. You know, be selfish for once.

Life's hard. As sometimes you have to make a choice between things, and people that you love. I would always wish to be loved unconditionally, regardless of who I am and what I chose. But life doesn't seem that simple.

I can't choose. Not yet. I don't want to choose. Not now. But I just needed to know I have the ability to choose without getting anyone hurt. I want to live my life, for me. It's lonely. And there are so many times I feel so helpless and I just wanted to cry for help. I'm all alone. Here. Now. I'm on my own to fight for my life, my purpose. And getting anyone's involvement will just end up hurting them.

Your brother has become one of those indecisive people that he himself so hate.

Life's full of crossroads when you are 20s. Be strong, and choose wisely. Be ready to make mistakes. Be ready to deal with your guilt of hurting the people you so so love. Because it is life. I hope you'd be wiser than me. I hope I can be there for you.

But if I cant, be strong. The choice you make, will make you. There's no right or wrong, good or bad, it's just YOUR choice and your ability to live with it.

I'm a bit at the lost of direction right now. And I hope my heart can guide the way to what I truly want in life.

I'm tired, and hurting. Just like the people that loved me. They are tired, and hurt, by me. I'm Lost.

With love

No one cares

Sunday 23th May 2010,

Dear brother,

What I'm afraid of has happened. The inevitable. My heart is broken.

I had a rough week. I went for training 3 days and already many things at work went wrong. I had to come back at night for one. Funny thing was, when I did things right no one cares, when one thing go wrong they all scrutinize of how it could be wrong.

Family is driving me crazy. Coming here with 2 families, and hotels and flights. I love to be with you guys, but in this period of time I'm just not sure if I can be together and be cheerful with you guys.

I spent the rest of the week working 12-14 hours day, going home after midnight. On Saturday, After working 11am - 2pm, I went for class and yet the phone kept ringing. I came back at 10pm and worked till 2:30am. Amidst all that, I was hanging on, and fighting hard. I was hanging on the possibility of hope, and a future out of here, and a future together with the one I love.

Reality slaps me with a bucket of cold water.

It turns out, that no one wants to save or rescue me. They, wanting me to be there and together, and not wanting to deal with my problem...

At the end of the day, I'm all alone...

You'd be here next week. I hope we will have some good time and I can get some rest

With love

Euro Dream

Friday 07-05-2010

I'm dreaming of Europe...

Been a rough few days at work with arrows flying all over the place. Tiring hearts. I just wished to go into hiding somewhere far.

I'm dreaming of Europe. The sun shines on the Lourve. I speak perfect, though choppy, French. Lovers hand in hand, I walk under the sun. To breathe. To laugh. To photograph. To sit on a boat floating on Venice. To steal a kiss. To run in an endless field. To take a cross country train. To sleep in the arms of love. To be.

Of course I cant do that. I have a job, I have my guys whom I had to take care of and fix their mistakes. I have my rent to pay, my study loan. I have you guys to take care of. I have chains from Singapore. Responsibilities. Bounded.

I know life is not easy for everyone (except for maybe Paris Hilton), but I just wish it didn't have to be so damn hard all the time. I just wish I can be selfish, and simple, and childish, as the child that I am. And I wish for you the same.

They say dreams are limitless. But mine has always been limited by who I am, where I cam from, and who I care for. I don't blame you guys for the lack of choices in my life (I'm thankful), but sometimes I just wish to be selfish, for once, for maybe a few, and run away and just...be.

I'm dreaming of Europe...

Happy is a Yuppie word

Thursday 29-Apr-2010

Dear brother,

I am happy.

I guess you guessed it somehow by the lack of my complaints letters. But life is full of ups and downs, and I think it is important to share with you the good times just as the bad.

Work has been improving. Well, it's still as taxing as ever, but I'm good at what I do. The performance review period has just started, and I have good feedback about my work. I guess in life, it's very much depends on your luck, and also how well you can present yourself. Your work is only as good as how you present it. Take this from me, do not ever think that hard work will automatically be recognized. It takes time, patience, and firmness and willingness to fight to be recognized.

God Dad is wonderful. He's everything that a Dad is to me. I still love our Dad, our simple, non-verbal and not always understanding Dad. He's kind and loving in his own ways. But God dad is wonderful. He just gets me. He wants to protect me and take care of me in good and in bad, and he gets the struggle internally I went through. I'm so blessed. It just brought tears of joy to me when he said he would protect me from harm. I know Dad would do the same, but it's just so rare for any one in my life to ever say that. I was so used to being invincible and protecting people, when someone says they would protect me, it just touches my heart so deeply.

I'm in love. LOL. That's probably the strangest thing that ever came out of my mouth in the past 5 years. After so much drama and struggle, I thought I'd given up on it. And then comes love. As cliche as it is, it caught you by surprise every time. But I guess my determination to let go and to be happy plays a big part of it. You have to be ready to let go of pain, because each day brings amazing possibility of new happiness. Sometimes, even in the darkest place of loneliness, you just have to be patient and not turned neurotic and give up hope like your silly brother did.

A saying "Good morning sunshine" or "How was your day,son" can make my day these days. I have become a simple man. Simple minimalistic life. Simple happiness. Simply love.

Of course me being your brother, it has never been drama free. A friend from highschool whom I hurt (as unintentionally as I was) came back. An old relationship went sour. I struggled. But I don't want to be these people. I let go of the past. I let go of the pain. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be happy.

And here I am, happy.

At the end of the day, what I can say is, be brave. Love is new and love is terrifying. Happiness is wonderful and happiness is terrifying. But in the end it will all worth it.

Peace