The beginning of the end

Sunday, 13th February 2011, 1:07am

Brother,

I'm moving house today, again. I can only pray the new landlord is better. I don't ask for much. I'm not asking them to treat me like their son. I just needed a quiet place to lay my head down and rest, a place to do laundry without the landlord banging on the door every 5 mins while I was talking to mom because she wants me to remove my clothes from the machine. A place where people don't enter my room and looked through my stuffs when I'm not home. I just needed a small cozy quiet space to be home.

The truth is, for the past week, I feel like Singapore is rejecting me, in every corner, as if I am a virus. Work has been kinda frustrating. There will be no training and I'm just doing a programming role, which I had communicated with the senior executive is not my career's goal. Living, well, as you know, my landlord is crazy and I just have to keep packing.

It's Valentines' Day again. And I'm all alone, again, for the 7th time. I guess I'm so used to being alone it should not mean that much anymore. Somehow it does. I was that romantic teenage guy who recorded my voice, called my girlfriend, standing outside her door with a rose. I was.

I feel all alone. So much so I become hyper sensitive to things around me. I'm so terrified every time I receive a new email from the new landlord. I feel rejected every time my friend doesn't turn up for some events I'm trying to organize. I feel left alone when my god Dad told me to call back and he needs to settle his things before he can help me (which absolutely makes sense). I feel insulted when my senior manager was joking "Are you doing any work or not? I see you keep reading documents?". I am in constant battle mode.

My friend advised me wisely: "Focus on what you have, rather that what you are missing". I have a loving family in Vietnam. I have a brother who needs me there in Vietnam. I have an understanding and kind god dad half way around the world. I have someone who loved me and is still waiting for me, to be with them, from a very far distance.

I have nothing left here. I realized. So well, time to plan for the end, a responsible, sensible, end. It won't be immediate, because I have grown enough to not just leave. But it will happen.

Sometimes, brother, it is just so hard to be all alone on your own on some city that is packed with people (who just don't care). I wish for you to not go through the same. I will ensure if you study overseas you will stay with me, and if you study in Vietnam, you'd have a decent life.

I promise. :)

Love

Time to prepare to go. This year, I'm heading out of this space.