How I met your...

September 24th 2013

Dear brother,

The weirdest thing happened today.

I met someone very cute the other night at a mixer event (a last year English major, nonetheless). And me being the low-selfesteem/shy guy, I did not give him my number or ask for his. It was one of those "What an idiot I was" moment. I told myself if I ever see the same person again, I will walk up, completely embarrass myself, and ask him out.

You know what? I saw him again today outside of the library. Talk about the universe sending a sign. So I did what I promised myself what I said I would. And he said "yes, why not?"

I know this probably doesn't go anywhere, like most of my recent dating endeavors. But it is kinda funny when you are not looking, and events like this happen. Just like Ted Mosby (that guy on a TV show that spent 9 years dating without luck, hurting over a girl) and he finally met the girl of his dream totally random at his ex's wedding. I have been moping over my ex for weeks now, and the universe is sending me this signal.

So I guess I write it down, save it for 25 years, and see if there is a "How I met your mother/father" moment.

Let's hope when you read this letter, we will know.

With love
Your brother

Zen Tuesday

September 17th 2013

Dear brother

Do you believe in cosmic coincident?

I had a really terrible Monday. I felt inadequate in class. I felt betrayed by my ex for their promiscuous behavior. I felt hurt and angry and devastated.

And somehow it was a preparation for today, which was a totally Zenned out experience.

I met my doctor and all was well. I had a meeting with my labmate (who is struggling with his work) and was able to offer some really good advice. I then had dinner with a new (girl) friend who has similar frustrations when it comes to relationship, study, and work.

And then, I went to meditation in a Soto Zen Sangha. 40 minutes of sitting meditation, 30 minutes tea ceremony, and 30 minutes of loving kindness sharing. I smiled so much.

And I forgave. I forgave the person that hurt me. I forgave not because of them, but because anger and sadness is bad for my health. So I forgave.

Buddham saranam gachami
Dharnam saranam gachami
Sangham saranam gachami

Brother, as a Christian to be, will you be Zen too?

With love

Back to Self

Calgary, 6th September 2013

Dear brother
I often am fascinated by taking photos of living organics out of death and decay. Sometimes, that is how I feel. Being alive and hopeful in a hopeless world.

Today I learned to smile again. Actually, I'm learning to breathe again. Heartache happens. And as much as I want to just "get over it", grieving is a long and painful process.

That said, today is the first step. I don't think about it as much anymore. I got things done. I was able to take compliments for my work done. I was able to see. I was able to mourn for what was loss and what was never there to begin with.

I am a good person. I have been so far and achieved so much in the brief life time I have in this earth. I am curious to see what more I can achieve if I continue living. That, now, will be my hope to carry on.

Not yet, but maybe one day, my heart can bloom like the flower in death and decay too. Today is only the first day of the rest of my life.

You too, brother. Focus on yourself. Row your boat. You will get there.

Love

Pick me. Choose me.

September 4th 2013,

My dear brother,

Oh, the darkness I know well. I laid my soul down on someone's feet, and get it trampled on all over again.

My ex is dating someone HIV positive, a student 15 years younger who has no job, no VISA, and an uncertain future. Someone they just met after 2 dates. When we broke up, they said they weren't physically attracted to me (after 3 years) and couldn't bring themselves to be in love with me. After 2 dates, they are ready to risk their health and their emotional stability for someone new, simply for physical attraction.

I'm devastated of course. Because, even there was a tiny part of jealousy involved, the most part, I just want to protect them. I care and love people to a fault. And even when my soul shattered, and darkness engulfed me, I allowed myself to be hurt, simply not to see them hurt.

Still, they chose someone else. They chose to leave behind a 3 years friendship, love, connection, for something new and exciting. Something physical.

No more, I guess. I cant let this happen to me anymore. Maybe it was stupid of me to care. Maybe just let them be, let them get hurt, let them make their own life choices. I should have never asked "Pick me. Choose me.". Because when you need to ask that, you already know the answer. Because when you start a war, you'd already lost. I decided not to see or speak to them again. Not because of the overwhelming grief, anger, and darkness in my heart, but because I cant stand seeing them get hurt.

How pathetic is that...

Brother, I know life doesn't come easy for you either. But I hope love will. I hope you will find someone who sees you, loves you, and embraces you for the person that you are. I hope I can protect you from harm and hardship.

I couldn't help but wonder, brother, if I see you are making a mistake, do I let you experience the pain, or do I try to protect you from it? If you fall for someone that might harm you, and I try to stop you, will you forgive me? Will you pick me?

I hope that day will never come

Love
Your brother