My dear brother,
Oh, the darkness I know well. I laid my soul down on someone's feet, and get it trampled on all over again.
My ex is dating someone HIV positive, a student 15 years younger who has no job, no VISA, and an uncertain future. Someone they just met after 2 dates. When we broke up, they said they weren't physically attracted to me (after 3 years) and couldn't bring themselves to be in love with me. After 2 dates, they are ready to risk their health and their emotional stability for someone new, simply for physical attraction.
I'm devastated of course. Because, even there was a tiny part of jealousy involved, the most part, I just want to protect them. I care and love people to a fault. And even when my soul shattered, and darkness engulfed me, I allowed myself to be hurt, simply not to see them hurt.
Still, they chose someone else. They chose to leave behind a 3 years friendship, love, connection, for something new and exciting. Something physical.
No more, I guess. I cant let this happen to me anymore. Maybe it was stupid of me to care. Maybe just let them be, let them get hurt, let them make their own life choices. I should have never asked "Pick me. Choose me.". Because when you need to ask that, you already know the answer. Because when you start a war, you'd already lost. I decided not to see or speak to them again. Not because of the overwhelming grief, anger, and darkness in my heart, but because I cant stand seeing them get hurt.
How pathetic is that...
Brother, I know life doesn't come easy for you either. But I hope love will. I hope you will find someone who sees you, loves you, and embraces you for the person that you are. I hope I can protect you from harm and hardship.
I couldn't help but wonder, brother, if I see you are making a mistake, do I let you experience the pain, or do I try to protect you from it? If you fall for someone that might harm you, and I try to stop you, will you forgive me? Will you pick me?
I hope that day will never come
Love
Your brother
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