Next to me

Monday, 21st October 2013

My dear brother,

September has registered to be the worst month of the year, while October was the month where everything "fall" into place (Since it's autumn, get it?) Heartbreaks, work stress, study stress, moving, etc. all that seems to be happening at once. Yet, as chaotic as it is, I feel a sense of incredible peace. More so, I feel a sense of being invincible. Am I?

Perhaps, the one thing that changed was that I stopped trying to make others happy. I stopped trying to control life. I tried to stop hurting. I accepted the fact that I can never be "good enough" for someone who is not even looking at me. I do have abandonment issues. I am afraid to be myself because I am afraid people would leave. Yet, leave they did. It wasn't the end of the world. New people appeared. People who sees the real me and appreciate the actual me. People who would say foreign strange thing like "you are so beautiful", "you are amazing". Without the terms and conditions coming after that "can you do this for me" or "you need to fix your teeth".

Perhaps I am worthy of affection. Perhaps I am worthy of love. Perhaps I am worthy of happiness.

With my dating life in full swing (i.e. messy), we were having a nice conversation. The date was going well. Somehow, the topic of the exes came up. And D. broke down and cried.

"It is just so sad. I hate people."

I stood up and gave D. a hug. And another. We said goodbye. There were still tears lingering in those beautiful haunting blue eyes. I was puzzled. To think someone I just met would cry for my story. Is it all that sad? I don't know. Maybe the anti-depressant is making me numb. Maybe, after 5 failed relationships in less than 10 years, I finally reach relationship Nirvana. Either way, I'm haunted by the tears.

"If God created us, why would he put us in the world that is full of tragedies" How damaged is this person to feel empathy for someone as damaged as me? I couldn't help but wonder, can love conquer all? Will these wounds ever heal? Or I am just falling back to my superheroes complex to just date and protect vulnerable people who will never fall in love with me?

All I can see are the tears in those beautiful blue eyes, the color of the autumn sky in chilling Calgary

All I can do, is coming back, next to me, caring for myself, and my wounds. Maybe, maybe one day I will be whole and healed. Maybe one day I will be ready to be with someone who wants to be with me, for me.

Until that day, brother, let us all pray

Hugs

Your brother