Work. Love. Pray

Saturday 9th Oct, 2010

Dear brother,

I've been resisting the temptation to go watch "Eat. Love. Pray" this week, as I know, given my state of mind right now, watching something like that will trigger me to quit my work, and go travel around for a year. But then since I'm not Julia Roberts I'm probably gonna starved to death, and never meet a perfect stranger to find love. LOL.

Anyway, work has been better. I'm still doing non-sense and collating spreadsheets, but well, what else can I do. At least I made my points clear about what I want, and we will wait (in our given timeline) how it turned out. The doors are always open. At least the work hours improved. I work 2pm - 11pm now, with both weekends off. Well, that's good news :) at least. I've already started to study again (to classical music nevertheless).  

Love. Oh well. Love is great. LOL. I know. Coming from me, trust that it sounds even ridiculous to me. But it is. I might have not met the perfect stranger, but I met someone close, kind, and has such a beautiful compassionate soul. I love it. Love and the quiet calm feeling of an afternoon next to someone you love, by the window staring at the light rain. Well, I cant ask for anything more.

I'm going back to temple and searching for Dharma classes. I've realized a lot of time I took my faith for granted. In life sometimes you need to believe in something beyond you to keep moving on. I miss Buddha dearly. :p I need to get back in touch with him (my inner Buddha) inside me, even in the midst of chaos. I went to a big Burmese temple today. And while I was so happy and found a little of peace, I was a little sad by the way it was presented. The notice board and blessing are filled with 1 word "Donation". I know in Singapore it's all about money and it's hard to maintain here, but it didn't have to get like that. In any case, I prayed. And unlike recently I don't pray for escape routes, I prayed for peace, for strength to overcome chaos and keep a calm mind. I pray for you guys too.

So well, brother. Work. Love. and Pray. My life is pretty much getting back to a routine, or at least I try to.

Love

Sometimes a Fantasy

Thursday 07 Oct 2010

Dear brother,

I woke up today. Literally and figuratively.

The past few days have been filled with negative talks, escape fantasy and future possibilities. At one point I was thinking of quitting, cancelling my PR, taking my CPF money, and going back to Vietnam and going fishing for a living. At another I thought of going to Canada, breaking up, changing my English name, getting a job as a street artist. At some point I just wanted to stone.

I realized it now. That it is HERE. My problems are here. My life, at least for now, is here. And as tempting as it is, packing up and running away somewhere half way around the world was cool for a 21 year-old kid. 25 years old man, no so much. I emailed my senior executive yet again stating clearly what I want. I'm taking the 'head-on' approach, Pacey's style.

Something else is here. Love. Whenever I needed that little extra boost, that little bit of warmth, it is here. Home is where love is. And I guess I'm not that teenage kid who jumped up and down when a girl said she liked him anymore. Love settles to a much quieter, calmer place, like a moment sitting by a bus window staring blankly at the PIE highway thinking how blessed I am. Love and be loved. It's an amazing feeling.

I realized I wanted things for all the wrong reason. It was very not-Buddhist of me to pray all week, so hard, to find a job elsewhere. Running away from the here and now, the suffering, that is not Buddhist... There were and there always will be harder, more challenging time in my life, and I need to deal with that head on. I'm going back to temples and Dharma this week, not to pray, to beg for things anymore. I'm going back to find peace, and to learn once more to let go.

I'm done. I'm done running. And I will do what I advised a young analyst to do. Think long and hard about it, about life, about what I want, and as human as it is, I'll make a decision. If I have to leave I have to leave. If I have to go to Canada or Vietnam, or US, or wherever I will. I just need to make sure it's the right thing to do.

And that's what you do, brother, at 25. You make life choices.

I hope yours will be less challenging.

Love

The escapist

Tuesday, 5th Oct 2010

Dear brother,

Sometimes in life, when it gets so much you can't breathe, you just want to run away. Like today, when promises are continuously broken, all I could think of is my escape route.

So what did I do? I sent job applications to...Canada. I know the chance is technically 0, and I guess that's why I did it. I love my job. I didn't want to leave. But sometimes it's a fantasy to just escape, run somewhere so far away that it's impossible to turn back.

I'm still that guy, huh? Keep on running from place to place, keep on pressing through walls and mirrors that are so hard and so sharp.

And then there's my relationship...

What's a man to do, brother?

Love

Being Thankful

Thursday 30-09-2010, 3AM

Dear brother,

Sometimes, when you have a stretch of bad days, and a good day came to surprised you with a breath of fresh air. It feels amazing.

I spent the morning with the people I love. Chatting a little with my God dad. Be there for my love in crisis :p And be there for Mom. I got a lot of work done. We went celebrating a senior manager promotion and I got to drink a lot of good white wine (which I love). And I got my work done at 1am and got home.

So instead of being my usual unappreciative, cynical, suicidal self, I just want to say how thankful I am to be alive. I am.

I'm thankful for I can be there for the people that I love. For I can still touch their lives. But foremost, I am thankful that I am courageous enough to let them in, to let them BE. I was scared of being hurt and scared of being alone, so much so that I sealed myself off, being a lone cynical porcupine. I'm learning to be loved, and learning to ask for help, learning to take control of my life. I am learning.

The fact is, brother, at 25, you think you are the toughest guy in the world, where you were just a scared little kid who cant afford to show his vulnerabilities. And I'm thankful, for today at least, I was true to myself.

I kick ass at my work. I can help and I can do amazing output work. Sure I screwed up on something, but I knew it was fine. I'm thankful for my job, my colleagues, and my work environment.

I am funny. I brought laughters to the room, even to strangers. We were drinking and laughing so much. So I'm thankful too, for laughters, for the ability to easily laugh, and to entertain. Life feels better when you are not overthinking stuffs all the time.

So that was it. I'm heading for bed. I just wanted to share with you a good day, and I hope you, too, can appreciate everyday as they come

Love

Hello and Goodbye

Tuesday, 29th September 2010, 12:30 am

There is Hello, and soon there is Goodbye.

Kok Wah's last day at project is Thursday. He was an amazing colleague, senior, friend, to work with.

It's his choice to leave, so he can be home with his family. He made a choice a lot of us could not make. To leave a better place, higher pay, freedom behind for that is important. Family.

In life you meet people, they made positive (or negative) impacts in your life. And you part ways. That's inevitable. As emo as I sound about it, I came to be used to it. Hellos and Goodbyes. They are just words. They are not meant as much any more.

It's been a rough few days at work, so I decided to pretend to be not dealing with it right now. I'm procrastinating so many things. Facing issues is of low priority right now. I'm still alive but I barely am breathing.

Funny thing is, I don't miss home. I don't know, if like him, I would give up what I have to be home. Perhaps I do have a let go issue.

So, say goodbye. Say it again. And once more. November is coming...

I wonder when you are old enough to read this, would you be angry with me? Would you think I'm irresponsible brother who ran away so far for his freedom? Or would you have chosen the same choice.

To keep saying goodbyes and keep moving on, rather than keep looking back and holding back. I've been both. But I'd prefer the cynical, always running forward Pace.

So goodbye.

The question of Love is

Sunday 26th Sept 2010

Can love and friendship co-exist?

Last week we were supposed to have a gathering. It did not happen. Among the reasons there are Work, there are Army, and there is "My girlfriend wants me to spend more time with her during the weekend". And I couldn't help but wonder the above.

The fact is, your brother himself is in a bit of a struggle here. Working 12 hours a day. Having a new-born relationship. Spending time with family/friends/ and the people that matter. And struggling with his own sanity. I slept on average 5 hours a day.

When I was younger (and hence more naive), I used to hate these "girlfriends" or "boyfriends", because it seems they come in between and take a way the awesome brotherhood and friendship. Then I got cynical and thought if they are that way they are not closed friends. Now, when I'm old enough, I realized, the questions is, "Is it me and my friendship that come in between and is taking their own sweet precious couple time".

At the end of the day, friends changed. Love remained. Or did it?

I'm in a relationship. I'm happy with it. I am. But I have never felt so alone. Maybe work and fatigue is taking a toll on me. Maybe I miss my time with you, with our family, with god Dad, with my friends (who no longer care to be with me).

Sometimes in life you just cant have it all can it? I just wish I had 48 hours a day for work, for study, for sports, for family, for you. I feel like such a lousy human being.

But then again, when I have all that time, I'll realize people wouldn't want to spend so much time with me anymore.

So I guess I should just be contented with what I have, and treasure each moment in life as it is

Love

Korea Korea

Dear brother,

I just came back from Korea last week, and I immediately got thrown back into the whole work-move house-relationship drama again. No rest for the wicked.

It was a good trip. There were threadful news of Typhoon and all that, but everything went pretty well. I took around 1200 photographs. It was restful and fun. I still don't fall in love with the country yet, but it is nevertheless a beautiful place to travel to

I bought some gifts for mom, dad and you.

It was a trip of peace too. I got to get in touch with my Buddhist side, and also a very relaxed, non-workaholic Pace. I guess I needed that. I was going crazy with work before that.

So brother, I know you are busy with schoolwork right now, but know that you'd have many many wonderful journeys in the future, thanks to the hard work and the effort you put in today

Love