Sometimes a Fantasy

Thursday 07 Oct 2010

Dear brother,

I woke up today. Literally and figuratively.

The past few days have been filled with negative talks, escape fantasy and future possibilities. At one point I was thinking of quitting, cancelling my PR, taking my CPF money, and going back to Vietnam and going fishing for a living. At another I thought of going to Canada, breaking up, changing my English name, getting a job as a street artist. At some point I just wanted to stone.

I realized it now. That it is HERE. My problems are here. My life, at least for now, is here. And as tempting as it is, packing up and running away somewhere half way around the world was cool for a 21 year-old kid. 25 years old man, no so much. I emailed my senior executive yet again stating clearly what I want. I'm taking the 'head-on' approach, Pacey's style.

Something else is here. Love. Whenever I needed that little extra boost, that little bit of warmth, it is here. Home is where love is. And I guess I'm not that teenage kid who jumped up and down when a girl said she liked him anymore. Love settles to a much quieter, calmer place, like a moment sitting by a bus window staring blankly at the PIE highway thinking how blessed I am. Love and be loved. It's an amazing feeling.

I realized I wanted things for all the wrong reason. It was very not-Buddhist of me to pray all week, so hard, to find a job elsewhere. Running away from the here and now, the suffering, that is not Buddhist... There were and there always will be harder, more challenging time in my life, and I need to deal with that head on. I'm going back to temples and Dharma this week, not to pray, to beg for things anymore. I'm going back to find peace, and to learn once more to let go.

I'm done. I'm done running. And I will do what I advised a young analyst to do. Think long and hard about it, about life, about what I want, and as human as it is, I'll make a decision. If I have to leave I have to leave. If I have to go to Canada or Vietnam, or US, or wherever I will. I just need to make sure it's the right thing to do.

And that's what you do, brother, at 25. You make life choices.

I hope yours will be less challenging.

Love