Crossroads

Monday Nov 8, 2010

Dear brother,

Somebody called it Mid-life crisis. I call it a crossroad. There are many times in life you need to make decisions, big decision. And I just had a feeling, this year, by the end of this month, it's my turn for that.

I know quitting your job, ending your relationship, running away half way around the world for 6 weeks seem insane, but it's me trying to get by. Sometimes when you get your head so deep into something, you just need to freak out, step back, and look at it with a fresh set of eyes.

I know what I want to do now. Or I think I do. The sense of calm and sensibility have returned.

I don't want to do an MBA. Funny how much time I spent studying and working on the perfect application. But no, that is not what I need. I don't want to put myself through another 2 years of stress, competition, not to mention the insane amount of school fee. I needed a way out of here after my bond is over, an easy way, and I thought what's best to go to an overseas country, do an MBA for 2 years, and stay there. That's me escaping. So no, brother, that is not a right choice to make.

I want to work on my relationship. I do. I guess the time apart makes me realize, I had to work for it. I'm done running. I'm not sure where it will go, and whether it will be worth it, but I want to try, to work it out, to do everything that I can. And when it's over, it's over. But if it's not, then I'm taking this chance.

I want a change of work, but I want to stick with my career. Sure it is not that architect dreams when I was 10. Sure it is not that designer/photographer dream when I was 20. But this is what I do best, what i kick ass at, and what I do like to do. Of course I'm not asking you brother to give up your dreams to be a Scientist, or an Engineer, because you can do it. I'm just saying, sometimes, dreams are dreams. I am not playing a fool anymore. I need to take charge of my life, my career, the way I want to.

I want help. Well, I need help. I guess the years alone have hardened me to the stage where I reject help (paradoxically when I need them the most). But there are people out there who care (sadly not many of them). But I'm done being a tough smart-ass good-for-nothing porcupine. I need help, and I'll get it whenever it is offered. It's still a little uncomfortable to ask, but I'm learning.

So there it is, the result of my overanalytical thinking over the past few weeks. I'm gonna just take this time off, this 6 weeks, to rest my mind and my tiring heart, to move on, and to move forward. I'll still get out of this hurting place where no one cares, but I'm doing it my way, with the help from the people that I love (and love me).

I am glad you are excited over the gifts I have for you guys from Korea and from here. I know you had been through some tough time with school. This is an important year for you, a crossroad for you. I'll take another 2-3 weeks off to be there and take you through this. I promise. Because I love you.

So be strong, little brother. Well, I know you are not so little anymore, but whenever we are at crossroads like we are, we just need a hand to hold, when the world is so large and we have to make decisions larger than ourselves. And I'm making mine...

Love