Sunday Evening

Sunday 31st Oct, 2010

Dear brother,

Everyone hates Sunday evenings. The weekend, and the week is over, and we are faced with the new week, unprepared. It's unfinished.

Lately, I couldn't shake the feeling that I have lost everything that is important to me. Ok, that's a dramatic exaggeration. I might have risked a lot of things that matter to me. A good job. A good relationship. A good (best) friend. I've been tormenting myself quite a bit about that too.

But I guess, the fact is, I'm 25. I am allowed, sometimes, to be selfish and making mistakes. It's my life and I'm done waiting for things to just happen. I'm done apologizing for trying for what I want. I'm just, done.

Bravery? Stupidity? A little bit of both. But to be frank I don't regret it...

What I regret, really, is to leave things unfinished. My job is undone, as the negotiations haven't settled and I have already given up. My relationship is undone, because I feel I gave up way too easily and I didn't give myself a chance to try at it. My friendship with the best friend/mentor you can find in the world is undone, as I feel mis-understood and he has given up on me. I know I'm self-centered. I hurt people in the process. And I'd do everything to take that back, to return things to the way they were 2 months ago. I just wish I could tell these people how sorry I am.

But then I'll forever be incomplete. I screwed up, I know. But I feel the decision to screw up is something that I needed, for myself. I so much so many times want to please. To travel across the globe, to work 14 hours a day, to apologize for who I am and what I want. I guess I was done.

I'm sad. Maybe. Frustrated. A little. Lost. Constantly since July. But I guess I'm young and I need to get this shit together, on my own again.

I just wish someone could have been there to tell me what's right from what's wrong, to tell me I'll have a place to go back to no matter how much I fucked up.

Well, brother, at least I hope I'd be that place for you...

With love