Marriage-the Ultimate friendship

Rainy Sunday, January 30th, 2011

Dear brother,

I realized, all these while, I had a really wrong perspective on friendship and love. And so, the question I used to asked "Can love and friendship co-exist?" I have the answer for it...

I heard Mom complaining about her friends, and your friends, and how I am so lucky to always make good friends (yeah I sugar coat it too much). And while I was eating dinner alone on a Saturday night, one that was supposed to be CNY steamboat and my be-early bday party, I realized, the answer, all these while, stay with me.

I saw a note Jon wrote about CJ's wedding (I'll fill you in in all these people later), and the first, initial reaction I had was "WTF? I am supposed to be CJ's best man. He didn't even ask". I remembered preparing a toast about night cycling, twisted ankle and how she fixed him after he fixed her.

But then I realized, that was 6 years ago. I know nothing newer about them to tell. And while I was so busy whining about how he is no longer there for me, I forgot, that I choose not to be there for them... A lot of time I decided to just pick up and leave, for my soul searching craps. I decided to be that sad angry victim that lost his friends to "the relationship" party.

The truth is, I am, myself, a terrible friend that is self-absorbed and self-centered. The only person that I maybe always there for is Kelly, and she never got married, because I consumed too much of her by "being there".

Being in a relationship last year made me realize, no matter how great friends are, they are not with you in the middle of the night when you are scared, having fever, or when you have to pretend to the world that you are so fucking ok (pardon the language, but I'm re-considering your age limit when you read this). And that is, why, people get married.

Even Liu Ting, that girl that used to say she will be single forever asked me "Can you introduce your engineers to me?". Or James, who is struggling with his relationship because of mom and his religion, made a comment about how much pain it is.

And I realized, I'm nothing better than his mom... It is scary, to let people you love go, to let them grow out of the place you thought you were, "for them". I remembered how freaked out our mom was when sis got married, and why I never told her about any relationships I had. It got lonely. I guess the notion of me leaving her for another woman freak her out. Just like the way I did with my friends.

But the fact is, brother, life goes on. The friends that get you at 15 is no longer the same at 25. At 25 Thu has a husband and is opening her own business. And I chose to be there for her by designing her company logo. At 25 Trinh has her first baby, and I offered to be the god-father. At 25 Van Anh decided to dedicate her time to charity, and I help with the money. At 25 Q has decided to fall in love...

Me, at 25, I'm terrified of turning 26...

And so, the answer. Love itself is a friendship. A friendship that lasts. Don't let mom terrify you into choosing to be alone, the way I did. Don't let yourself fool yourself with the notion you don't need love as long as you have a bunch of friends. Don't let yourself be the victim of your own hallucination that others "steal" your friends from you.

Because brother, at one point in your life, you want more companionship, intimacy, and care than friends can provide.

And that, brother, was what I have been told the day we broke up, when I chose my soul-searching, my friends, my so-called career over the relationship I had last year...

Don't make the same mistakes.

Love