Almost lovers

Calgary, 13th January 2015

My dear brother,

I found myself back home in Calgary with a severe case of the flu, and a new relationship. Well, we have been "together" for almost a year (We eat dinners, have sex, and watch Criminal Minds frequently), but somehow, we finally took the leap of making it official. It wasn't romantic or anything. I nudged Dannie by asking "Are we together?", and Dannie replied "Yes, perhaps we should stop seeing other people".

Of course, being the romantics that we are (#sarcasm), we each had the whole speech prepared (which also gives space of exits for the others). I think it's pragmatic, and romantic, in a way. Again, this is inappropriate to share with your dude-brother, but I will still share anyways (Because I want to share all of life's major moments with you)

Me to Dannie: "You know Dan as a Caucasian you can be as old as dirt, and young attractive Asians would still fall right into your lap. But I am not with you because you are white Dan. I am with you because you are sexy, intelligent, ambitious, and kind Dan. If we are just sex then I guess I can't compete with that. Possibilities. I can be a better person than someone in some aspects. But there will always be younger, hotter, better people out there on the internet. I am not a cow, and eventually this milk will not be for free. I want to stop looking, hooking up with random people. You can never find what you need if you do not stop looking"

Dannie to me: "I spent a lot of time thinking when you were away. One, I miss you. Two, I really really like you. I love your intellect, and our conversations, and the sex. I want to be with you. You are someone I envision I could potentially spend my life with. I'd like for us to head there. So, maybe we should stop seeing other people."

I thought it was romantic. So, new year, new relationship. My Facebook status update has yet exploded with comments and questions. So I guess it is good. Suddenly the Vietnamese people become so less nosy.

I hope this will last. I hope you will get a chance to meet (and like) Dannie

With love

Truths

Vietnam, 9th Dec 2014

My dear brother,

This letter finds you when I’m back home after 2 years. With technology such as Skype, Facebook messenger, and other “social networks”, it feels like we were never far. Yet, I feel anxious to be closer to you, to mom and dad. I never thought I really miss home, or Vietnam, or you guys, but I am glad to be home.

There are many truths I will have to tell you in this trip. There are many news to break, new milestones to turn, and new hurdles to overcome. There are people in my life you will get to know.

I am not sure how you will react to it all. But this is my truth, and I can’t no longer hide. You are my truth, and my family, so I should no longer hide.

My dear brother, I hope for your acceptance, and forgiveness.

With love

Me

Loser like me

Cambodia, 26^th Dec 2014

My dear brother,

I’m writing this note to you from Cambodia, the city of temples and monasteries. It is beautiful and untouched, yet ridden with poverty and sadness. Maybe it was just me.

I am sad. Travelling with a Caucasian reminded me how much it sucks to be a colored-Asian man. I am second class citizen in Western countries. I am second class citizen right at home in Asia. That, is my truth.

I told my friends the other day “Happy ever after do not happen to people like me”. What is people like me, I wonder? Someone who is kind, generous, with integrity. Someone who is not traditionally beautiful. Happiness is meant for beautiful people…

I hope your life will turn out better. I hope you’d belong. I hope for a world in your next generation where who you are, what you do matters more than a Facebook profile and a series of one-night-stands.

I wish happiness ever after for you. Because it is never for losers like me…

New chapters

Calgary, 25th Nov, 2015

My dear Chester,

Sorry I have been out of touch (again). I promise I will write more than once every six months. I promise.

Much have changed for you and me. We are both inching ever closer to new chapters of our life.

You got into college! Business school. You seem to be doing amazing. Vice president, in charge of English department, making new friends and new progress. I am proud of you. I will always be. I am sorry you did not get to Canada this year. But fret not, with the new almost perfect TOEFL score, you will get there. I know it well.

Me? Much have happened since March. I drove across Canada in July. I traveled 3 European (Scandinavian) countries in August. I am graduating next week. All was well. All was progressing.

I struggled a bit with being on my own (and working - studying full time). I guess it is the essence of my life. No rest for the wicked. I am excited, really. New job, new career prospects, new life awaits. I think I will settle down here, in Canada, in Calgary even. Maybe. Possibly. We will see.

I will write more next week after the graduation. I can't wait to see you back home in 10 days.

Love
Brother

Death Medication

March 24, 2014 at 1:24pm

Dear brother,

I went to bed after watching Cosmo (a scientific program about space time odyssey) and woke up to the news that the vanished plane has been assumed to be lost in South Indian Ocean. I couldn't help but wonder "How small, and helpless, we humans are, in space, time, and in death?".

On my way to work, a (very drunk) guy asked me for change to take the LRT. I am sure whatever coins he gathered from strangers, he would probably buy more booze. I couldn't help but wonder "What is this guy's back story (to be so drunk at 9AM in the morning)? What sort of life that he has been through that he has to go on from one intoxicated day to another?"

I meditated on these facts. (I know I sound like a New Age sensitive hippie by saying I meditate a lot) It is both disturbing and comforting, to know how fallible we humans are. For every amazing being and scientist, there would be a countered idiotic, bigoted, and violent hundreds of others. "No wonder aliens don't want to talk to us".

There was no answer (in my 9 years of meditation there has never been an answer). I wish I could have been simple, believing in simple if-else conditions. Good Christians go to heaven. Good Buddhists attain Nirvana. Good Muslims have 72 virgins (Apologies for my ignorance to all my Islam friends, this is just a metaphor). Sometimes I feel our own fallacy lies within our own complexity. If only I can live for the now, acknowledging the fact that no matter how vulnerable or invincible I feel on different days, I am only human, I was born alone and I will die alone. Therefore, everyday is an extra chance to live a little better, to love a little more, and to be a little better of a person. Everything ends, in the end.

And with that, I end this note with a quote from Andy Botwin:

"Life is just blah, blah, blah. You hope for blah. And sometimes you find it. But mostly it is blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you are right about the blah's you made and then just when you think you have the whole blah damned thing figured out and you are surrounded by the ones you blah death shows up."

Third place

March 20th 2014

My dear brother,

Congratulations on your third place at the city level English competition. I am so very proud of you. I know you can do it.

I know sometimes you don't feel that way, but you are amazing, and you will go so far in life.

When you read this, brother, even when I am with you or not, know that I will always be proud of you, exactly the way you are.

Love
Your brother

Sex and the City

Calgary, 3rd March 2014

My dear brother,

I know sex is not a proper discussion among dudes who are brothers. But what the hell. When you read this you are already in your twenties and a little birds and bees talk doesn't harm at times. In fact, I am a little worried that as a teenager you are not watching porn or exploring sex. But then again, conservative Vietnam :D

So, let me just come right to it. I've been having a lot of sex lately. Well, for any "dude" in their teens or early twenties, it should have sounded like an accomplishment. For me, it feels like I'm losing myself. I mean, it is kinda strange and unfamiliar for a guy like me to be having all the attention now. Someone in their 40s were trying to pick me up and said "You look as cute as a button".

To be honest, I'm a little lost. I don't feel like myself anymore. I mean I am okay. But define okay. Work is great; study is great. I got laid 3 times last week. I finally found a person who would travel across Canada with me. Still, I'm feeling a little lost.

I was out with a date the other night. Well, if we can call it that. We had sex earlier and we agreed on the whole Friends with Benefit thing. I know. I don't recognize myself anymore.

There are plenty of men at the bar. They are all preying on the naive, low-self esteem women (especially the Asian ones). It's like Shark weeks on Discovery channel. I was thinking to myself that it is rather pathetic for a man in his 30s to still be hanging at bars picking up strangers, but you should see the ones in their 60s.

I couldn't help but wonder. How did I end up here? I mean when I was in college I hate people in stuffed up shirts and ties; and then I became a consultant, loving the suit career. I have always hated promiscuity (you know, deep within, I was a romantic) and now I ended up sleeping with strangers just to stroke my ego, one night at a time. What happened to me? Am I so scary and damaged that I have to become someone else to be the likable loveable "cool" dude. Every time I tell someone about my hook-up shit, I was secretly hoping someone would stop me, someone would tell me this is not who I am. Instead, I got even more encouragement, "cool! Dude", and "This is so much better for you".

As I knocked down another whiskey, another young girl left with the (much) older man at the bar.

I feel lost. I mean, I used to know where I am going and I know who I am. I am not so sure I like that person anymore. Why is it that He who has confidence and He who is me are so worlds apart?

I sighed as I swallowed down the last smoke of my cigarettes. If only there are as many people who hate the new me enough as those who hate the fact that I am smoking. My date waited patiently at the door of the bar. We had sex again that night.

I don't know why I am telling you all this. Well, perhaps just to let you know that your brother, too, struggle. I am, too, a nerd. I am, too, feel insecure about relationship and sex just as you are. It doesn't get easier. It just gets more routine, and like marijuana (which, I do smoke occasionally) the high gets less and less frequent, and harder to get.

I hope you are luckier than me, that you meet someone and fall in love and not having to struggle the way I did. When all fails, keep your head up, because you are a good looking, smart kid, and you are totally capable of being on your own.

Unlike your pathetic lonely big brother.

With love

29

Be water, my friend,
As anything could happen,
and everything ends...

The heart aches
(No matter how much you hold on,)
your heart breaks.

Winter, spring, summer, fall,
the moon is dark, then she is full.
The ocean holds your heart,
as she soothes your (longing) soul.

Jan, 2014

Today

(Wheeling, WV, US – Jan 2^nd 2014)
(Just so you know I still write poems little bro)

There is always tomorrow… (Or is it?)

There is always enough time, in our little finite lives of infinites

To love a bit more

To feel a little more

To laugh once more

To cry again

(Or can we?)

All around us are miracles.

The snow vastly cleanses the mountains high and the river low,

(the shaken branches, the shivered bears, the swimming fishes, and the broken souls)

The sunlight falls over the shades of turquoise in the ocean,

(and illuminates all other colors that you and I both once loved)

The lingering sound of the rain deafens the cries of the wolves,

(of the young mothers who lose their babies, of the fallen dying deer on the side walk)

The quiet scent of spring awakens in each cherry blossoms, wild dandelions,  

(each of the gentle strands in your hair, the lasting touch of your fingers the morning of goodbyes)

That gaze in your eyes

is the miracle of life itself,

(that made me fall in love and broke my heart)

all condensed in exact one moment.

Why wait my darlings,

when all surround us are miracles?

To love a bit more

To feel a little more

To laugh once more

To cry again

(Shall we?)

There maybe tomorrow

(that I really don’t know. I was once sure, but I am no longer)

There is today

Life is both infinite and finite

Life is both fragile and everlasting

(Life is kind of like you and I,

star-crossed yet ever-loving.

Or was it just me, alone in all this duality?)

Tomorrow. Today.

Goodbye 2013. Hello 2014

My dear brother

Happy New Year 2014!

What a year it has been for both of us! Looking back, I can't help but be proud of both you and me. Here are the things I have got, and the things I want to do in the next year. Most of all, I just want us to talk more, write more, and eventually reunite as the awesome band of brothers in Canada!

Love

2013 was a rather exciting and challenging year for me. It might have been the second best year of my life (the best is 2006 of course, with the NOC experience). It was very difficult as I am again back on my own, in a new country, starting a new school, with a new career start. If 2006 was the year of awakening. 2013 was the year of a reminder of the guy that I have become since. It has been an awesome year. Here are the things I've got.

- In January, I officially started my Master in Software Engineering, this time with scholarship.

- In Feb, I celebrated my birthday at Rimrock hotel (a 4 star luxury hotel), in the middle of the Canadian Rockies Mountains. I was in the room with a view, (and I had my birthday sex :p)

- In March, I won second prize in 2 categories of the UCalgary International photography competition

- In April, I got my first A+ (and I was really concerned that after 5 years I'm not academic anymore)

- In May, I got my first paper published, and attended a conference in San Francisco with the likes of Likned In, Mozilla, Microsoft, Googles, etc. authors

- In June, I got news that I was awarded Graduate Award Scholaship, to be awarded in installment over 12 months (I shall not reveal the amount to avoid jealousy)

- In July, I attended 5 different Canadian Festivals, and was the official photographer for 3.

- In August, I got my photography displayed in an independent coffee shop. An ad exec saw it and bought 1 piece for ATB bank commercial.

- In September, I finally got work permit and started working (almost) full time.

- In September, I rode a horse, through the breath taking valleys of Canadian Rockies, with the full colors of the fall

- In October, my second paper got published, and I got to go to Baltimore and Washington DC

- In November, I went to Hawaii, with my best friend for 10 years, @Kelly Chan. Amazing trip.

- In November, my joint business proposal with my prof got government funded. It's a Finland project. So Europe, here I come...

- In December, I got another A. I really think I got this study thing in order.

- In December, I re-visited Philadelphia, and NYC, and my god family in WV. A time for reflection and rest and love

- In December, I got to see "Peter and the Star Catcher", a fantastic Broadway prequel of Peter Pan

And here are the 14 action items I will do in 2014. 

1. Graduate. My 2-year-Master program. I need to get good GPA, graduate :)

2. Forgive. "Not because someone deserves forgiveness, but because I deserve peace".

3. Read. More like find time to read. But you get the picture.

4. Travel. 4a. Europe. 4b. Japan. 4c. South America. Either one of them or all. We'll see.

5. Play. I need to remember to take a break now and then, play an awesome PS3 or NDS3D game. 

6. Communicate. Say hi to an old friend once in a while. Life is short and relationships are precious. God knows how many of us will still be here tomorrow. Not that I believe in God :p

7. Meditate. I get too worked up too easily. I need to breathe and remember not to try too hard. Things will fall into place, maynot be the place I want them to be, but they will.

8. Quit. I need to learn to quit and let go. I sometimes hang on to pain as if it means something. Nothing is false about hope, but hope without ground is just stupidity.

9. Shut-up. I need to stop giving advices to others (job hazards of working with consultant firms). a) no one listens to my advice. b) when something blows up in their face I will have to help clean it up, even without the basic right of a smartass comment in place of "i told you so"

10. Go. Go offline, go hiking, go skiiing, go swimming, etc. anything that involves movements and not FB. 

11. Hug. Give more hugs to people and get more hugs from people. Because sometimes, all you need is a hug.

12. Smile.

13. Date. Continue my 2013 slutty phase and widen my date profile. LOL. (Guess who just has a date scheduled with a dancer?)

14. Love. Stop dating. LOL. I'm kinda sick of the whole thing and going through with the motion now. Would be nice to fall in love again. Other than that, loving my family, friends, and animals will do too!

Onward

"When you lost someone, you are not simply starting over. You are continuing without" - Mitch Abom

Calgary, 31st Oct 203

Dear brother,

I never thought the idea of leaving the keys on the counter, picking up my last bag, and walking out the door of my old apartment could be so iconic. We attach ideas into things I guess. I'm moving on.

As I sat down and settle things with the banker at a bank near my new address, I realized how far I've come. For a 28-year-old without much financial support from my middle class Vietnam family, I've come pretty far, as far as financial responsibility concerns.

I also realized the goodbyes I had to say to get here. Moving on has always been in my dictionary. Leaving behind the people I love, and being left behind. Yet, as Pace implied, and as most cases in life, it is about moving forward.

So everything ends. Soon, a whole new world begins. Or has it already? It's been exactly a year since I got here. Felt shorter. Felt like I just got up from a hazy dreams of hurt and struggles. But hey, sunshine Calgary is out there waiting.

Someone with mesmerizing eyes and beautiful heart is waiting.

Love,
Bro

 

"Everyone's waiting" - Six Feet Under

The bachelor

Calgary, Oct 29th 2013,

Just an update on my exciting dating life, this is it, the season finale. This is when the bachelor took home all 3 roses, and toss them in the trash. I let all 3 of my pursuits down easy.

Single again it is.

I guess, if I have learned anything in my 10 years of failed relationships is that, I fall in love with the same people: people who care for me, but do not fall in love with me for the right reasons; people that make me feel like I am not good enough; people who keep silence from me, who leads me on with indecisiveness.

I guess the first step in getting what you want is to know and let go of what you don't. I have always been afraid of being alone, of being rejected, of being not good enough. It is both poignant and empowering to be in the place to choose.

Choosing nothing is a choice. I chose me, to stick with my standards. It is a scary lonely dark cold winter out there.

Love is also out there. I think.

Be brave, brother. You deserve the best love there is

Love,
Your brother

Next to me

Monday, 21st October 2013

My dear brother,

September has registered to be the worst month of the year, while October was the month where everything "fall" into place (Since it's autumn, get it?) Heartbreaks, work stress, study stress, moving, etc. all that seems to be happening at once. Yet, as chaotic as it is, I feel a sense of incredible peace. More so, I feel a sense of being invincible. Am I?

Perhaps, the one thing that changed was that I stopped trying to make others happy. I stopped trying to control life. I tried to stop hurting. I accepted the fact that I can never be "good enough" for someone who is not even looking at me. I do have abandonment issues. I am afraid to be myself because I am afraid people would leave. Yet, leave they did. It wasn't the end of the world. New people appeared. People who sees the real me and appreciate the actual me. People who would say foreign strange thing like "you are so beautiful", "you are amazing". Without the terms and conditions coming after that "can you do this for me" or "you need to fix your teeth".

Perhaps I am worthy of affection. Perhaps I am worthy of love. Perhaps I am worthy of happiness.

With my dating life in full swing (i.e. messy), we were having a nice conversation. The date was going well. Somehow, the topic of the exes came up. And D. broke down and cried.

"It is just so sad. I hate people."

I stood up and gave D. a hug. And another. We said goodbye. There were still tears lingering in those beautiful haunting blue eyes. I was puzzled. To think someone I just met would cry for my story. Is it all that sad? I don't know. Maybe the anti-depressant is making me numb. Maybe, after 5 failed relationships in less than 10 years, I finally reach relationship Nirvana. Either way, I'm haunted by the tears.

"If God created us, why would he put us in the world that is full of tragedies" How damaged is this person to feel empathy for someone as damaged as me? I couldn't help but wonder, can love conquer all? Will these wounds ever heal? Or I am just falling back to my superheroes complex to just date and protect vulnerable people who will never fall in love with me?

All I can see are the tears in those beautiful blue eyes, the color of the autumn sky in chilling Calgary

All I can do, is coming back, next to me, caring for myself, and my wounds. Maybe, maybe one day I will be whole and healed. Maybe one day I will be ready to be with someone who wants to be with me, for me.

Until that day, brother, let us all pray

Hugs

Your brother

Up in the air

08/10/2013. Somewhere in the sky of Canada, near Manitoba

My dear brother,

It’s been some time. What a roller coaster it has been! Life has been moving so fast since September I barely got a hang of it. Much have happened. Much have changed.

Fall semester started. Everything becomes a blur of work, study, activities, and an emotional roller coaster. New people emerged in my life. New events happened that opened up old wounds. New found hope for the old lost me. Sometimes, I couldn’t help but wonder whether, only in all my hopelessness and despair, I can strive the best in my life.

My love life has been a bit of a mess. Between horrible dates and my ex dating HIV positive men, it seemed at time a downward spiral. There is a sense of conflict in me. People in their 20s all said I am missing out on all the “fun” of hooking up and random sex. Why commitment? Why seriousness? Why long term? When you can have fun and be fabulous and be desirable. I guess that is my problem. I have never seen myself as being desirable. I grew up with people telling me how ugly I look. I am not insecure, I’m just hopelessly realistic about my looks. And then it happened. 3 people are now vying for my attention. One had said they were falling for me. I couldn’t help but wonder, “WTF is wrong with them?” What is wrong with me? With all this new found confidence, I still can’t seem to move on.

Second science conference this year, as a Master student. My photography got sold for a TV commercial for ATB Financials (Alberta Banks). I got paid for the first month. I got a 6000 scholarship. I am amazing. I don’t feel amazing.

For the first time in my life, I’m facing my demons heads on. Anti-depressant, counselling, support groups. I want to take care of me now. Not family. Not relationships. Not friends. I want to now do what is right for me.

In the air, I realized, for far too long I have ignored the amazing me, while chasing after making others happy. Others are selfish. Others take care of themselves first. Others have never chose me. I need to choose me. I need to be me.

And brother, when you do that, amazing things happen. When you choose you, others will see how amazing you are. When you want the best in life and not compromise, you will get the best in life without compromise.

I may fall in love. I may not. It may be one of the 3. It maybe someone new. I may be alone my whole life and it will be ok. I want to adopt kids, open orphanage, and build a future. It would be great to do it with someone. I’m fully capable of doing it on my own.

For all there were, for all there is, I am on my own. I was born alone. I shall die alone. I am one of the universe and the universe is only one. I just need to breathe, and move on with life, no matter how hard and hurting it is sometimes.

Everything that drowns me makes me want to fly…   

How I met your...

September 24th 2013

Dear brother,

The weirdest thing happened today.

I met someone very cute the other night at a mixer event (a last year English major, nonetheless). And me being the low-selfesteem/shy guy, I did not give him my number or ask for his. It was one of those "What an idiot I was" moment. I told myself if I ever see the same person again, I will walk up, completely embarrass myself, and ask him out.

You know what? I saw him again today outside of the library. Talk about the universe sending a sign. So I did what I promised myself what I said I would. And he said "yes, why not?"

I know this probably doesn't go anywhere, like most of my recent dating endeavors. But it is kinda funny when you are not looking, and events like this happen. Just like Ted Mosby (that guy on a TV show that spent 9 years dating without luck, hurting over a girl) and he finally met the girl of his dream totally random at his ex's wedding. I have been moping over my ex for weeks now, and the universe is sending me this signal.

So I guess I write it down, save it for 25 years, and see if there is a "How I met your mother/father" moment.

Let's hope when you read this letter, we will know.

With love
Your brother

Zen Tuesday

September 17th 2013

Dear brother

Do you believe in cosmic coincident?

I had a really terrible Monday. I felt inadequate in class. I felt betrayed by my ex for their promiscuous behavior. I felt hurt and angry and devastated.

And somehow it was a preparation for today, which was a totally Zenned out experience.

I met my doctor and all was well. I had a meeting with my labmate (who is struggling with his work) and was able to offer some really good advice. I then had dinner with a new (girl) friend who has similar frustrations when it comes to relationship, study, and work.

And then, I went to meditation in a Soto Zen Sangha. 40 minutes of sitting meditation, 30 minutes tea ceremony, and 30 minutes of loving kindness sharing. I smiled so much.

And I forgave. I forgave the person that hurt me. I forgave not because of them, but because anger and sadness is bad for my health. So I forgave.

Buddham saranam gachami
Dharnam saranam gachami
Sangham saranam gachami

Brother, as a Christian to be, will you be Zen too?

With love

Back to Self

Calgary, 6th September 2013

Dear brother
I often am fascinated by taking photos of living organics out of death and decay. Sometimes, that is how I feel. Being alive and hopeful in a hopeless world.

Today I learned to smile again. Actually, I'm learning to breathe again. Heartache happens. And as much as I want to just "get over it", grieving is a long and painful process.

That said, today is the first step. I don't think about it as much anymore. I got things done. I was able to take compliments for my work done. I was able to see. I was able to mourn for what was loss and what was never there to begin with.

I am a good person. I have been so far and achieved so much in the brief life time I have in this earth. I am curious to see what more I can achieve if I continue living. That, now, will be my hope to carry on.

Not yet, but maybe one day, my heart can bloom like the flower in death and decay too. Today is only the first day of the rest of my life.

You too, brother. Focus on yourself. Row your boat. You will get there.

Love

Pick me. Choose me.

September 4th 2013,

My dear brother,

Oh, the darkness I know well. I laid my soul down on someone's feet, and get it trampled on all over again.

My ex is dating someone HIV positive, a student 15 years younger who has no job, no VISA, and an uncertain future. Someone they just met after 2 dates. When we broke up, they said they weren't physically attracted to me (after 3 years) and couldn't bring themselves to be in love with me. After 2 dates, they are ready to risk their health and their emotional stability for someone new, simply for physical attraction.

I'm devastated of course. Because, even there was a tiny part of jealousy involved, the most part, I just want to protect them. I care and love people to a fault. And even when my soul shattered, and darkness engulfed me, I allowed myself to be hurt, simply not to see them hurt.

Still, they chose someone else. They chose to leave behind a 3 years friendship, love, connection, for something new and exciting. Something physical.

No more, I guess. I cant let this happen to me anymore. Maybe it was stupid of me to care. Maybe just let them be, let them get hurt, let them make their own life choices. I should have never asked "Pick me. Choose me.". Because when you need to ask that, you already know the answer. Because when you start a war, you'd already lost. I decided not to see or speak to them again. Not because of the overwhelming grief, anger, and darkness in my heart, but because I cant stand seeing them get hurt.

How pathetic is that...

Brother, I know life doesn't come easy for you either. But I hope love will. I hope you will find someone who sees you, loves you, and embraces you for the person that you are. I hope I can protect you from harm and hardship.

I couldn't help but wonder, brother, if I see you are making a mistake, do I let you experience the pain, or do I try to protect you from it? If you fall for someone that might harm you, and I try to stop you, will you forgive me? Will you pick me?

I hope that day will never come

Love
Your brother

The photographer

Calgary, 25th Aug 2013

Dear brother,

By the time you read this, you would know I am into photography for almost all my life. It's been 7 years now.

I realized the reason I love photography: hiding. I'm hiding behind the lens, in the corner, the way I am always in life. It's a comfort quiet place to be, as I observe people and lives passed me by.

Life.

Behind the colors and the scenes and the people and the smile and the intimacy, there's that incredible loneliness. It's like there's a wall made out of black holes that I made. I wonder if I will ever change, or be included.

Behind every pair of eyes, there is a soul. Behind every layers of mirrors and lens, there's mine.

Love

Your brother

The lone adventurer

Vancouver, 15th August 2013

Dear brother

I typed this to you in a hotel room in Vancouver. At 23rd floor, with the view to the mountains and ocean, it does feel like I'm on top of the world.

It's my 4th solo trip. And as much as I enjoy it, I think I'm getting a little too old for these solo trip. I wish you were here brother. I enjoy travelling with you.

So, here are a few things I learned during this travel, and I want to share them with you

- Reading map is such an important skill. I walked collectively around 20 km in 3 days. I got lost often. Yet, every place that I was, I had wonderful surprises and images to prove. The best way to travel, and to experience a culture, is to walk, and get lost, and talk to the people. I had interesting conversations with coffee girls and park walkers, etc. It's a great experience

- Blue-collars are such delightful people to hang out with. Living a long time in elitist society (and to think a Master in Software Engineering is a white-collar profession is rather obnoxious, but I'd take that notion), I have always find delights and amazing lessons from others who might not have the same educational background. Perhaps that's because of dad and our humble background when I grew up. But more so, people who work hard for an honest living can be so wise, and down to earth, and so friendly at the same time. (Not that white collars aren't. They are just a little more judgemental at times).

- Young people need to learn respect. There were 2 young men on the bus, who look and sound like they were on drugs. They were loud, obnoxious, and when the (African) bus driver (politely) asked them to shut up, they shouted "Is that because I am white?" To think we live in this day and age, and to think these are college kids going home for vacation, it makes me sick to my stomach. Not that all young people are like that (I met some delightful young wise ones), but it just shows how much more we need to do to teach respect and kindness, than just academic.

- I might be a closeted mountain person. I mean I love the beach. I was born and grew up near the beach. But I miss the mountains almost immediately. Well, maybe in Calgary I can have both :p

- I'm secretly a romantic. I might be cynical and bitchy and acting all intellectual and shit, but I'm all mushy inside. There were a European couple sitting at the next table, and when the guy lean over, kissed his partner, I was just like "Awwww". I know. I know.

- Travelling alone can be emo-inducing. But when you make the most out of it, it can be all-empowering. It makes me believe "I can do this". I'm a planner, a walker, a photographer, and most of all, a loner.

So, there we are. A memorable short trip that is much needed before I explode with stress. Now, back to the 5th email my prof sent this morning. LOL

With love little bro. Next year we will do so many amazing trips together

Love
Your brother