Monday 28th June 2009
It's been some time since I last sent you a letter. Lots have happened. Things have changed.
I've won a photography contest (and by now I hope you still remember how happy you were when you know I'd give it to you). It'd be the first contest I won for myself. It'd be the first game console you (and I) own.
I've been struggling with my work, and the feeling of being left behind. People have moved on. Marriage. First child. PhD. I'm here. The same old stuck me.
I wanted to make a decision, I wanted to do something for me. You know, be selfish for once.
Life's hard. As sometimes you have to make a choice between things, and people that you love. I would always wish to be loved unconditionally, regardless of who I am and what I chose. But life doesn't seem that simple.
I can't choose. Not yet. I don't want to choose. Not now. But I just needed to know I have the ability to choose without getting anyone hurt. I want to live my life, for me. It's lonely. And there are so many times I feel so helpless and I just wanted to cry for help. I'm all alone. Here. Now. I'm on my own to fight for my life, my purpose. And getting anyone's involvement will just end up hurting them.
Your brother has become one of those indecisive people that he himself so hate.
Life's full of crossroads when you are 20s. Be strong, and choose wisely. Be ready to make mistakes. Be ready to deal with your guilt of hurting the people you so so love. Because it is life. I hope you'd be wiser than me. I hope I can be there for you.
But if I cant, be strong. The choice you make, will make you. There's no right or wrong, good or bad, it's just YOUR choice and your ability to live with it.
I'm a bit at the lost of direction right now. And I hope my heart can guide the way to what I truly want in life.
I'm tired, and hurting. Just like the people that loved me. They are tired, and hurt, by me. I'm Lost.
With love
