Sunday, October 31, 2010

Sunday Evening

Sunday 31st Oct, 2010

Dear brother,

Everyone hates Sunday evenings. The weekend, and the week is over, and we are faced with the new week, unprepared. It's unfinished.

Lately, I couldn't shake the feeling that I have lost everything that is important to me. Ok, that's a dramatic exaggeration. I might have risked a lot of things that matter to me. A good job. A good relationship. A good (best) friend. I've been tormenting myself quite a bit about that too.

But I guess, the fact is, I'm 25. I am allowed, sometimes, to be selfish and making mistakes. It's my life and I'm done waiting for things to just happen. I'm done apologizing for trying for what I want. I'm just, done.

Bravery? Stupidity? A little bit of both. But to be frank I don't regret it...

What I regret, really, is to leave things unfinished. My job is undone, as the negotiations haven't settled and I have already given up. My relationship is undone, because I feel I gave up way too easily and I didn't give myself a chance to try at it. My friendship with the best friend/mentor you can find in the world is undone, as I feel mis-understood and he has given up on me. I know I'm self-centered. I hurt people in the process. And I'd do everything to take that back, to return things to the way they were 2 months ago. I just wish I could tell these people how sorry I am.

But then I'll forever be incomplete. I screwed up, I know. But I feel the decision to screw up is something that I needed, for myself. I so much so many times want to please. To travel across the globe, to work 14 hours a day, to apologize for who I am and what I want. I guess I was done.

I'm sad. Maybe. Frustrated. A little. Lost. Constantly since July. But I guess I'm young and I need to get this shit together, on my own again.

I just wish someone could have been there to tell me what's right from what's wrong, to tell me I'll have a place to go back to no matter how much I fucked up.

Well, brother, at least I hope I'd be that place for you...

With love

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

All we are

Tuesday, 26th Oct 2010,

Dear brother,

Do we grow up, really? Or do we just grow old, weary, withering like a flower every rainy morning.

The reason I asked, is, I guess, I'm having a sort of mid-life crisis. I know, if that means I'm gonna live till 50 with this emoness, I'd actually be grateful. I just have absolutely no energy and no morale in everything that I do. It's just... sad...

Days go by. I didn't wanted to leave at first, the more negotiation, the more waiting, the more I'm determined to leave this behind. My work. Singapore. The life that is not for me. I wake up each day wondering, will it be better, elsewhere?

Hours go by so slowly. I know I did the right thing. For me. For everyone. Somehow, it's just sort of painfully lonely when I thought about it. Doing the right thing and doing the things your heart desires.

I'm not myself lately, tired, grumpy, delivering lousy work quality. I'm just... giving up.

Do I grow up? Or I just grow old, weary, falling like rain...

December. US trip in December... Never has a month seemed so long...

With love

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Wednesday, 20th October 2010


I'm single again.

Unlike any decisions that I've made recently (and I made a lot of bad ones), this seems like a logical, sensible, and I have pondered it in a long time.

To love someone so much is to set them free and think for them, even when that breaks you. I guess it is not fair to ask for someone to go the distance, to wait for you to get your life together, and to still love you for who you are, even when you don't feel like loving yourself so much anymore.

I realized I want something so much in life. Something else. Something out of here. Escapism at work? Maybe. Maybe not. I just know being in love is comfortable, and warm, but I need to be out there somewhere else, and I cant be selfish to ask for someone to wait for me to finish that and come back.

Love is like a bird, you set it free. If it was meant to be, it'll come back.

LOL. I am so hoping you are not such a mess as I am when you are 25. I'm gonna be ok. I'm gonna be without a job and without anyone to care for me, but I tend to do better when I burn all my bridges and force myself out of my comfy procrastination zone. We'll see.

Have faith


Monday, October 18, 2010

The day off

Monday, 18th Oct 2010


The best way to beat Monday blues: Not going to work.

I woke up tired, with migraines from bad dreams and uncomfortable bed. I just feel so... Urgh. My doctor friend said I have acute stress. My Arts friends said I have "emotional constipation". Even my horoscope said I need more rest. So I decided to go see a doctor, quote my long term migraine defect, and take an MC.

I have been hiding here in the library studying GMAT all day. It kinda feels good to be in a quiet place, studying to classical music and feeling like I'm away from the choices I have to made. I was about to resign, but I decided to take a break first and not think about it for ONE day.

The phone didn't stop ringing. Well, it's the nature of my work. I guess.

Tomorrow, the choices will still be there. Decisions will have to be made. Steps have to be taken. Work has to be done.

But for today. I'd like ONE off day.

Sometimes in life, all we need is a day off.

With Love

Friday, October 15, 2010

Losing my sanity

Saturday 16th Oct 2010,


I think I'm gonna do it. The craziest thing I'll do (so far) in my life. I'll quit my job without a new job offer.It is crazy. And I know I have rent to pay, I have your school fee to pay, I have many responsibilities on my back. But I'm gonna do it.

I'm just so lost my way. I carried my heavy head and heart to work everyday. And I lost my will to be excellent. I exist in the firm. I no longer aspire to be great. I'm just tired.

I missed my work. I loved my job, still, and always will. It's just, the daily work has reached a state of complete nonsense. From team lead I become an Excel generator, questions answering machines, and a ghost of my former enthusiastic and idealistic self. I lost that drive. It just seems they promoted me for doing something less than I am.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of yelling and screaming and trying to be heard. Maybe when I stand up and walk away, they will get my point.

So well, I'm doing it. I know it's stupid and selfish and insane. But this time, I do it for me. Not for anyone else, not for my responsibilities. It's for me.

Please don't learn from me about this. But well, at 25, when you are still young enough to make insane crazy mistakes like that, you just need to take a chance, and a leap of faith.

Have faith in me, too, brother.

Well, I don't know how I'm gonna survive Singapore after I quit without a job, but we will see :)


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Work. Love. Pray

Saturday 9th Oct, 2010

Dear brother,

I've been resisting the temptation to go watch "Eat. Love. Pray" this week, as I know, given my state of mind right now, watching something like that will trigger me to quit my work, and go travel around for a year. But then since I'm not Julia Roberts I'm probably gonna starved to death, and never meet a perfect stranger to find love. LOL.

Anyway, work has been better. I'm still doing non-sense and collating spreadsheets, but well, what else can I do. At least I made my points clear about what I want, and we will wait (in our given timeline) how it turned out. The doors are always open. At least the work hours improved. I work 2pm - 11pm now, with both weekends off. Well, that's good news :) at least. I've already started to study again (to classical music nevertheless).  

Love. Oh well. Love is great. LOL. I know. Coming from me, trust that it sounds even ridiculous to me. But it is. I might have not met the perfect stranger, but I met someone close, kind, and has such a beautiful compassionate soul. I love it. Love and the quiet calm feeling of an afternoon next to someone you love, by the window staring at the light rain. Well, I cant ask for anything more.

I'm going back to temple and searching for Dharma classes. I've realized a lot of time I took my faith for granted. In life sometimes you need to believe in something beyond you to keep moving on. I miss Buddha dearly. :p I need to get back in touch with him (my inner Buddha) inside me, even in the midst of chaos. I went to a big Burmese temple today. And while I was so happy and found a little of peace, I was a little sad by the way it was presented. The notice board and blessing are filled with 1 word "Donation". I know in Singapore it's all about money and it's hard to maintain here, but it didn't have to get like that. In any case, I prayed. And unlike recently I don't pray for escape routes, I prayed for peace, for strength to overcome chaos and keep a calm mind. I pray for you guys too.

So well, brother. Work. Love. and Pray. My life is pretty much getting back to a routine, or at least I try to.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sometimes a Fantasy

Thursday 07 Oct 2010

Dear brother,

I woke up today. Literally and figuratively.

The past few days have been filled with negative talks, escape fantasy and future possibilities. At one point I was thinking of quitting, cancelling my PR, taking my CPF money, and going back to Vietnam and going fishing for a living. At another I thought of going to Canada, breaking up, changing my English name, getting a job as a street artist. At some point I just wanted to stone.

I realized it now. That it is HERE. My problems are here. My life, at least for now, is here. And as tempting as it is, packing up and running away somewhere half way around the world was cool for a 21 year-old kid. 25 years old man, no so much. I emailed my senior executive yet again stating clearly what I want. I'm taking the 'head-on' approach, Pacey's style.

Something else is here. Love. Whenever I needed that little extra boost, that little bit of warmth, it is here. Home is where love is. And I guess I'm not that teenage kid who jumped up and down when a girl said she liked him anymore. Love settles to a much quieter, calmer place, like a moment sitting by a bus window staring blankly at the PIE highway thinking how blessed I am. Love and be loved. It's an amazing feeling.

I realized I wanted things for all the wrong reason. It was very not-Buddhist of me to pray all week, so hard, to find a job elsewhere. Running away from the here and now, the suffering, that is not Buddhist... There were and there always will be harder, more challenging time in my life, and I need to deal with that head on. I'm going back to temples and Dharma this week, not to pray, to beg for things anymore. I'm going back to find peace, and to learn once more to let go.

I'm done. I'm done running. And I will do what I advised a young analyst to do. Think long and hard about it, about life, about what I want, and as human as it is, I'll make a decision. If I have to leave I have to leave. If I have to go to Canada or Vietnam, or US, or wherever I will. I just need to make sure it's the right thing to do.

And that's what you do, brother, at 25. You make life choices.

I hope yours will be less challenging.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The escapist

Tuesday, 5th Oct 2010

Dear brother,

Sometimes in life, when it gets so much you can't breathe, you just want to run away. Like today, when promises are continuously broken, all I could think of is my escape route.

So what did I do? I sent job applications to...Canada. I know the chance is technically 0, and I guess that's why I did it. I love my job. I didn't want to leave. But sometimes it's a fantasy to just escape, run somewhere so far away that it's impossible to turn back.

I'm still that guy, huh? Keep on running from place to place, keep on pressing through walls and mirrors that are so hard and so sharp.

And then there's my relationship...

What's a man to do, brother?