Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Lonely Planet

Tuesday 30th March 2010,

Dear brother,

I just came back from my overseas trip in Malacca, and yet I'm already overloaded with work, and down with a fever. I guess I'm just overworking myself, mind and body.

The trip was fine. It has many high points. Beautiful and charming people. Beautiful places. It was very peaceful, and quiet. The hotel was great, I enjoyed lots of complimentary stuffs.  I was swimming lazily in the pool, watching the magnificent dying sunset on the town.

That was when I realized, I have never been so alone.

Well, maybe it's an exaggeration, since it was way worse years back. Now I have family, god dad, and someone who cares for me. Still, I feel this sense of isolation, far away from all those loved ones. I feel like a middle age man, running away from his mid-life crisis just to see the sun set. It's unsettling.

I enjoyed traveling alone. The flexibility is great. But when I go around alone, no one to take pictures, no one to share meals with, no one to share the beds with, etc. It just hits me, I cant always be alone like this. I'll get old. I'll get sick. Who, then, will be there?

If one know they can't be together now, would we still hope to be together in the future? Sometimes it's even scarier to hang on to hope, then to be in despair. I'm caring  for someone and I'm scared of that feeling, because of the distance, and the time that we are apart.

I'm sorry I'm so whinny these days. I missed that happy, cheery child. But that person told me to be the child, to be vulnerable, and to fear. I smiled for that, because I have been strong and invincible for so long it's tiring.

Change. I just need something to change...

I'm lonely.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Bonds and Fears

To love is to fear.

I almost forgot how nice it is to meet someone new in your life, a friend. I guess it's been so long since I open up to someone outside my very closed circle of friends. It's exciting, and scary, all at the same time.

It's great to have someone you can talk absolutely everything to, someone who just gets you (like my new Dad). It's great to have someone who says "I get it. I'm with you. I will protect you". For once it is not so scary to be vulnerable...

I'm scared. But I'm not scared to show it.

I don't know where this is going. But I'm taking it slow and going with it. I may fall. My heart may break again. I know this risk (just like I know when I told my best friend I'd like to be his god son, not knowing how he'd react to it).

But then I maybe whole, and happy.

In the end, that is what I want. It is worth all the risk in the world to get that.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

God Father

Friday March 5th 2010, 12:35AM

Dear brother

I made a commitment today with a man that I don't think I'll ever break. (LOL, gotcha. No I'm not getting married). I got a new GOD dad.

By the time you read this letter you would have the chance to know him and meet him, because you are family and he is family. I would like for you 2 to get along.

I must be an incredibly lucky guy. I love Dad, very much (I'll tell you stories about me and Dad in another entry), and I told him he will not replace Dad. He is just another Dad. Because he just, you know, gets me and trusts in me, the way fathers do.

Made me miss God Mom too (will write another entry about her). Now I have 2 moms and 2 dads, and not all of them are married to each other. :p Funny huh

You see sometimes in life you come across great people. Sometimes they can be so far away from you it's funny to think how they could be such an important part of your life. The way you, mom, and Dad are important to me, so far yet so dear to my heart. So I don't want to let that feeling go to waste. He loves me like a brother and a son. So I'd like to return that, the way sons do.

He was here for me when I just need someone to be there. He trusted me when I lost faith in my friends and myself. And he's real and down to earth (unlike some religious idol). For him I'd like to try to be happy, to be the best man I can be. Just like the way I've tried to live my life for Mom, Dad, and you.

I hope he gets that, too.

Can't wait to have a beer with you and him :p He's a great dude, trust me!