Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Being Thankful

Thursday 30-09-2010, 3AM

Dear brother,

Sometimes, when you have a stretch of bad days, and a good day came to surprised you with a breath of fresh air. It feels amazing.

I spent the morning with the people I love. Chatting a little with my God dad. Be there for my love in crisis :p And be there for Mom. I got a lot of work done. We went celebrating a senior manager promotion and I got to drink a lot of good white wine (which I love). And I got my work done at 1am and got home.

So instead of being my usual unappreciative, cynical, suicidal self, I just want to say how thankful I am to be alive. I am.

I'm thankful for I can be there for the people that I love. For I can still touch their lives. But foremost, I am thankful that I am courageous enough to let them in, to let them BE. I was scared of being hurt and scared of being alone, so much so that I sealed myself off, being a lone cynical porcupine. I'm learning to be loved, and learning to ask for help, learning to take control of my life. I am learning.

The fact is, brother, at 25, you think you are the toughest guy in the world, where you were just a scared little kid who cant afford to show his vulnerabilities. And I'm thankful, for today at least, I was true to myself.

I kick ass at my work. I can help and I can do amazing output work. Sure I screwed up on something, but I knew it was fine. I'm thankful for my job, my colleagues, and my work environment.

I am funny. I brought laughters to the room, even to strangers. We were drinking and laughing so much. So I'm thankful too, for laughters, for the ability to easily laugh, and to entertain. Life feels better when you are not overthinking stuffs all the time.

So that was it. I'm heading for bed. I just wanted to share with you a good day, and I hope you, too, can appreciate everyday as they come


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Hello and Goodbye

Tuesday, 29th September 2010, 12:30 am

There is Hello, and soon there is Goodbye.

Kok Wah's last day at project is Thursday. He was an amazing colleague, senior, friend, to work with.

It's his choice to leave, so he can be home with his family. He made a choice a lot of us could not make. To leave a better place, higher pay, freedom behind for that is important. Family.

In life you meet people, they made positive (or negative) impacts in your life. And you part ways. That's inevitable. As emo as I sound about it, I came to be used to it. Hellos and Goodbyes. They are just words. They are not meant as much any more.

It's been a rough few days at work, so I decided to pretend to be not dealing with it right now. I'm procrastinating so many things. Facing issues is of low priority right now. I'm still alive but I barely am breathing.

Funny thing is, I don't miss home. I don't know, if like him, I would give up what I have to be home. Perhaps I do have a let go issue.

So, say goodbye. Say it again. And once more. November is coming...

I wonder when you are old enough to read this, would you be angry with me? Would you think I'm irresponsible brother who ran away so far for his freedom? Or would you have chosen the same choice.

To keep saying goodbyes and keep moving on, rather than keep looking back and holding back. I've been both. But I'd prefer the cynical, always running forward Pace.

So goodbye.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The question of Love is

Sunday 26th Sept 2010

Can love and friendship co-exist?

Last week we were supposed to have a gathering. It did not happen. Among the reasons there are Work, there are Army, and there is "My girlfriend wants me to spend more time with her during the weekend". And I couldn't help but wonder the above.

The fact is, your brother himself is in a bit of a struggle here. Working 12 hours a day. Having a new-born relationship. Spending time with family/friends/ and the people that matter. And struggling with his own sanity. I slept on average 5 hours a day.

When I was younger (and hence more naive), I used to hate these "girlfriends" or "boyfriends", because it seems they come in between and take a way the awesome brotherhood and friendship. Then I got cynical and thought if they are that way they are not closed friends. Now, when I'm old enough, I realized, the questions is, "Is it me and my friendship that come in between and is taking their own sweet precious couple time".

At the end of the day, friends changed. Love remained. Or did it?

I'm in a relationship. I'm happy with it. I am. But I have never felt so alone. Maybe work and fatigue is taking a toll on me. Maybe I miss my time with you, with our family, with god Dad, with my friends (who no longer care to be with me).

Sometimes in life you just cant have it all can it? I just wish I had 48 hours a day for work, for study, for sports, for family, for you. I feel like such a lousy human being.

But then again, when I have all that time, I'll realize people wouldn't want to spend so much time with me anymore.

So I guess I should just be contented with what I have, and treasure each moment in life as it is


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Korea Korea

Dear brother,

I just came back from Korea last week, and I immediately got thrown back into the whole work-move house-relationship drama again. No rest for the wicked.

It was a good trip. There were threadful news of Typhoon and all that, but everything went pretty well. I took around 1200 photographs. It was restful and fun. I still don't fall in love with the country yet, but it is nevertheless a beautiful place to travel to

I bought some gifts for mom, dad and you.

It was a trip of peace too. I got to get in touch with my Buddhist side, and also a very relaxed, non-workaholic Pace. I guess I needed that. I was going crazy with work before that.

So brother, I know you are busy with schoolwork right now, but know that you'd have many many wonderful journeys in the future, thanks to the hard work and the effort you put in today