Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Depression 101

Calgary, July 30th, 2013

Dear brother,

I think the last time I wrote you, I wrote about stages of grief and what they mean. I am now at stage 4, depression. Turns out, accepting and moving on is harder than I thought. Maybe I'm just older so it's harder and harder to move on. Maybe.

So what's wrong? What's wrong is that everything is going in the direction I wanted it to be, and yet I feel like everything is wrong. I find it hard to get up in the morning. I find it hard to go on my day as I am. I find it hard to keep up with the person I used to be. I find it hard to be around people and even harder to be without people. I cant sleep. I cant even breathe sometimes.

I don't know what leads me here. Perhaps it's the disappointment that life here is not as I expected it to be. Perhaps it's the grieving for the love of my life I thought I had. Perhaps it's the loss of faith in mankind. Perhaps it's the loss of faith in love. Perhaps it's the loss of faith in me.

I wish you were here. I wish my friends and family are here. I wish somebody was here. It's funny. For someone who spent the last 10 years venturing out in the world on his own, I am finally losing that power, the power to survive the world alone.

I can't tell you what to do. I don't even know how long more it will take for me to get out of this. Funny, lots of my friends who are at a distance ask me everyday how I do, and get disappointed to know that I am STILL depressed. As if it's a bad food I can just shit out. As if it's something so small so insignificant I can just toss it out the window and move on singing aimlessly about life.

I'm just hanging in there I guess. I'm just taking the best care of myself that I can. One day at a time. One minute at a time.

525600 minutes in a year, the one that matters is right here, right now.

With love
Your "big" whining bro