Friday, November 26, 2010

Being Thankful

Friday 26th Nov 2010,

Dear brother,

I was so busy working I missed Thanks Giving (I also missed like 3 episode of Dexter and a few of Fringe and Glee). I've been working till 11pm daily again.

Anyhow, I made the point every year to celebrate this day, to celebrate life and be thankful for the people who have made impact in my life this year. I know it is a US (Canada) holiday, but I guess in life, it doesn't hurt to stop being a whining bitch for a day, and be thankful.

First and foremost, I am thankful for my family. Mom, Dad, God Dad, you (of course). I know there are so many times I have felt so alone. But life takes distance for one person to realize how precious family is, and how wonderful it is to no longer be on your own.

I also want to thank the people at my work, the amazing Billing guys at BSS project (I know none of them read this page, but that doesn't stop me from being thankful). It was a rough years with many 14-hour-work-day and nights, but being next to them have helped me grow, and learn, a lot.

I am thankful for love. It's been bumpy. And I am very much close to the beginning as I am. But I guess it's the very part of the process. Falling in love. Falling apart. Getting back into love. I was glad I got to feel, to live, to be alive. To love is simply amazing.

Lastly, I am thankful to myself (How narcissistic! I know.). I guess regardless of how old, cynical, and exhausted I feel, at the core of me, I'm still that young idealistic guy that is unafraid of change, and unafraid of living my life the way I want to. I still have the courage to quit my job, fly half way around the world, and search for something that I know that is close to impossible. It maybe naive, but if I had not been naive, I wouldn't have been here today.

So well, brother, it's the season to be thankful. And I am. It's been another year with ups and (a lot of) downs, but I have grown and moved forward a little. Therefore I am thankful.

Sleep tight little one. The world's thankful for your precious presence, too.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Freedom and Chains

Tuesday 23rd Nov 2010,

Dear brother,

Yesterday marked the end of my 3 years study bond with Singapore. It's the end of the chain. I'm no longer bounded here. I'm free.

Well, almost.

While I am free physically and legally, I cant forget that there are other obligations. I have my family. I have rent. I have my responsibilities. I have limitations in term of where I can go and what I can do. I am, well, ALMOST, free.

I wish to pursue a job that I like, in a country I can breathe, doing the things that I love, with the people that I care about. I know. I know it's too much to ask when you are 25, but one's gotta dream.

It's so far out. Few years back I just thought it'd be different. When the bond is over I can just go. Fly free.

I'm here, working 12 hours day as usual, not improving my knowledge or my conditions. Worse yet, I am losing my confidence as I keep getting rejection or people not interested in hiring me. Sometimes I wonder if my skill, my experience, and my wish to drive to excellence have all gone to waste...

That sad. 3 years have closed, in a blink. I am glad and proud of where I have been and the road I have walked so far. It's a matter of time, and as impatient as I get, I'll try to stay with it and just BE.

I hope I can be home this June, so I can hold your hands and walk you through one of the most challenging time of your life. You'll do fine, but I just want to be there.

Because sometimes, a decision you made that young can end you up in freedom, or chains.


Sunday, November 7, 2010


Monday Nov 8, 2010

Dear brother,

Somebody called it Mid-life crisis. I call it a crossroad. There are many times in life you need to make decisions, big decision. And I just had a feeling, this year, by the end of this month, it's my turn for that.

I know quitting your job, ending your relationship, running away half way around the world for 6 weeks seem insane, but it's me trying to get by. Sometimes when you get your head so deep into something, you just need to freak out, step back, and look at it with a fresh set of eyes.

I know what I want to do now. Or I think I do. The sense of calm and sensibility have returned.

I don't want to do an MBA. Funny how much time I spent studying and working on the perfect application. But no, that is not what I need. I don't want to put myself through another 2 years of stress, competition, not to mention the insane amount of school fee. I needed a way out of here after my bond is over, an easy way, and I thought what's best to go to an overseas country, do an MBA for 2 years, and stay there. That's me escaping. So no, brother, that is not a right choice to make.

I want to work on my relationship. I do. I guess the time apart makes me realize, I had to work for it. I'm done running. I'm not sure where it will go, and whether it will be worth it, but I want to try, to work it out, to do everything that I can. And when it's over, it's over. But if it's not, then I'm taking this chance.

I want a change of work, but I want to stick with my career. Sure it is not that architect dreams when I was 10. Sure it is not that designer/photographer dream when I was 20. But this is what I do best, what i kick ass at, and what I do like to do. Of course I'm not asking you brother to give up your dreams to be a Scientist, or an Engineer, because you can do it. I'm just saying, sometimes, dreams are dreams. I am not playing a fool anymore. I need to take charge of my life, my career, the way I want to.

I want help. Well, I need help. I guess the years alone have hardened me to the stage where I reject help (paradoxically when I need them the most). But there are people out there who care (sadly not many of them). But I'm done being a tough smart-ass good-for-nothing porcupine. I need help, and I'll get it whenever it is offered. It's still a little uncomfortable to ask, but I'm learning.

So there it is, the result of my overanalytical thinking over the past few weeks. I'm gonna just take this time off, this 6 weeks, to rest my mind and my tiring heart, to move on, and to move forward. I'll still get out of this hurting place where no one cares, but I'm doing it my way, with the help from the people that I love (and love me).

I am glad you are excited over the gifts I have for you guys from Korea and from here. I know you had been through some tough time with school. This is an important year for you, a crossroad for you. I'll take another 2-3 weeks off to be there and take you through this. I promise. Because I love you.

So be strong, little brother. Well, I know you are not so little anymore, but whenever we are at crossroads like we are, we just need a hand to hold, when the world is so large and we have to make decisions larger than ourselves. And I'm making mine...