Thursday, February 25, 2010

My would have been progress in 2010

Thursday, 11:41 PM, 25-02-10

I didn't get it.

I didn't expect it, but I did want it. I did wish, for once, that it wouldn't be so hard to get what I want. I just wish, for once, I could have what I want without fighting, screaming, sweating, and shedding blood for it. And I thought last year I already worked hard enough for it.

When you work towards something too hard, you become wanting it so much it fucks you up.

I feel a sense of lost.

People my age have moved on. Marriage. Study. Career. I'm stagnated here, where I am.

I miss myself 20. So young, so naive, so ready to take on the world.

Now I just feel so tired, jaded, and all alone.

Will tomorrow ever be a better, easier day?

Will I ever get it?

They say I'm trying too hard. If I didn't try, where would I be?

In the end, I'm just here. Stuck. Lost. Losing my sanity and even the ability to feel sad or to cry.

What would you do, brother?

With regards,

Monday, February 22, 2010

What do I want?

1pm, 23-02-2010

Dear brother,

It's lunch break in office so I type a note for you. Coming back to work has been hectic, but I think I kinda kick ass at what I do, so I will gladly do it.

I spent about 3 hours yesterday designing a poster titled "What do I want?". I guess for a very long time I was just trying so hard to barge forward without a plan in mind. I guess you can lie around all day wanting for things to change. But if you want something badly enough, you have to be brave and face it.

Last year I was kinda just try to please people, to make mom and dad happy, to please my bosses, to keep my friends around, etc. I'm tired of that. I forgot what I want to do. Time to get back in focus.

First will be career. By the end of this year my bond with Singapore is over. Endless possibilities. I guess I'd try to have my promotion by then. After which I'd apply a job in some other countries, maybe, just to explore more.

Next will be a good MBA program. I'm studying hard for GMAT, and it's really good. I hope I can score well by the end of this year and then apply for some good schools. Will need to get off my ass to write a kick ass cover letter and motivational speech. What a pain!

I want to work a bit on health and fitness too. Getting fat :p

I'm aiming to win an Arts/Photography contest. So I'll hone my skills and keep taking and sending my works to competitions everywhere. Wish me luck.

I want to travel. I want to also speak my French, Jap and Chinese fluently too. Study study study!!!

I guess at last I want to be happy with someone. I don't know who. I don't know when. But I guess I need to work on being with others and not being afraid to be happy. I tend to always scare of togetherness and happiness and pushing people away.

So well, that's what I want in a nutshell. Quite a lot to be achieved in 1-2 years, but I'm all ready to fight.

I guess I'm superhuman after all :p

Cheer me on!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Where we belong

Sunday 21st Feb 2010

Dear brother,

I'm back in Singapore, after what could be the last long vacation in Vietnam. It's been wonderful to spend this important time of the year with the family, and with you. The moments when I cut ur finger nails, or when I taught you about integrity, or when I taught you photography, etc. will forever go down in my book of life's best moments. I hope when you do read this you would remember them still. I also hope you have found the lessons I taught you when you were 14 have been helping you. I'm gonna really miss you for the next few months till we meet.

It broke my heart, but I just realized that I no longer belong to Vietnam anymore. I mean I still love it as much as I possibly can, but it's not the same anymore. I love Vietnam for its charm and its love, but these days I feel like a foreigner. The way people look at me, the way they treat me, and even the way I treat them. I even said weird unfamiliar things like "Can I speak to your manager?" or "I wanna made a complaints about your restaurant". They charged me or talked to me as if I'm some foreign tourists. It broke my heart.

It's sad when you see the place you grew up in have changed so much. For the better I supposed. However, it's so strange and unfamiliar. I'm such a stranger.

I found love at home. Covered. Protected. Cared for. Mom and Dad and you. And for some that would be enough. But I have bigger plans in life. I want to grow and it feels like Vietnam (or Singapore for that matter) are holding me back. I hope one day you'd understand.

I guess we belong to the place we feel familiar, loved, and complete. It's that tiny little place in this chaotic world where you feel safe, even for just a second.

She hates me. I gave up on my closest friends. Mom and Dad don't know me the way they think. I feel so all alone, even when I was so loved.

I just wish I found that place where I belong soon.

So I can just lay down my head, and cry, like the child I once was.

With love,

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Cung chuc Tan Xuan

Sunday 14th Feb 2010 - Canh Dan 1st

It's a new lunar year. It's a new spring, a new dawn.

Doing a lot of old school traditions things sure brought back nostalgia. Bursting balloons to replace fire-crackers. Lighting incense sticks. Having the whole flowers and fruits offerings. I'm not a big fan of fancy traditions and religious worship, but I guess I'll hang on to this and make sure my children will follow them. We are Vietnamese after all. Please be sure you and your children do the same.

Talking to our relatives overseas made me realize one thing. They have so much to hang on to. Image. Grieve. Angst. Even sadness. Uncle said "In my darkest hour my family wasn't there, you guys weren't there to support me". It made me realize, I don't want to be that guy. The angst is such a heavy thing. I want to see life like water, the past can't be changed. We live and die alone. So I'm gonna stop blaming my friends for not being there, because, somehow, by chance or by will, I wasn't there when a lot of people need me.

I'm making amends. To love. To loved ones. To myself. I guess I deserve better than being a sad bitter lonely guy who can never let go of the past.

So it's spring. And it's Valentines. So well, time to let sadness go and make sure tomorrow is another brand new sunshine day.

May love come in this beautiful year of the Tiger.

With love,

Friday, February 12, 2010

About Valentine's Day

13th Feb 2010

Dear Brother

Happy valentine's Day

It's the one single day I used to hate the most every year. Oddly enough, it used to be the date I loved the most during my younger days. I guess, for years, I have been oscillating between extreme cynicism and hopeless romantic teenage moron when it comes to love and romance. I guess it's time to let both of that go.

I have plan to go around town with my 2 ex-girlfriends (yes, I used to be that desirable, and no, I don't know what happened to me) doing weird anti-Valentine pranks  to couples. Sound Exciting isn't it!

I guess I need to let the past go. People I hurt. People that used to heart me. I need to let that go to be able to look forward and be in love again.

2010 is the year I'm over all my heartbreaks and ready for a new fresh start.

So well, hope that stupid Cupid will finally starts doing his job right :p

You too, don't let 14 pass by without some memorable puppy love. And as a 24 dude, good luck with chicks, they are like the hardest creatures to understand :)

Happy Valentine's Day

Friday, February 5, 2010

My 25th Birthday

Sat 6th Feb 2010

I knew it was stupid, but I made a birthday wish.


Cant believe I have occupied the crowded surface of this earth for 25 years. Not exactly a flat and easy road, but definitely a memorable ones. I guess I am thankful to be alive, to still have the second half to go, with many lessons learned and many wonderful surprises and moments to be lived.

For most of the first half I wanted to be someone special, extraordinary, superior and standing out. Now, I just want to be happy.

I just hope I can find someone whose hands fit mine. Mom and friends were making jokes at me and my good friend at the table. And while I was thinking to myself "Why not", I knew for a fact that she's too good for me. Well, I guess I don't deserve someone that whole, because I cant make the person happy. I wish I could be happy. I wish, for once, I could be the whole one, the weak one, the vulnerable one, the selfish one. I wish, for once, someone will stay.

And that's an harder goal to reach...

I wish you'd be there at the finishing line of my life, and yell at me "Brother, you DID it!"

Cheer me on, will ya?

Happy 14th birthday

Fri 5th Feb 2010,

Happy Birthday Little Bro

It feels kinda weird to type you a letter when you are just like sleeping a few feet away. But I guess 10 years is good enough a distance when you read this.

Just want to say Happy birthday, and how I am tremendously proud of you for growing up so fast and doing so well in your life. I'm truly glad, and a little sad, as I realized soon you'll no longer be so "little"  anymore.

14. It's a good year. The last year of Secondary. I hope you enjoy your time, and study well. It seems like years ago when I was last there, and I already spoke to you about the things you can do now, so I won't repeat 10 years later for you.

Yesterday when I cut your nail and gel your hair for the birthday party, that was the ONE brothers moment for me. From previous letters you know your brother lives by the moment, and yesterday was one of those special ones. You will grow. You have done so many things yourself now, even helping mom. But that was a little bit of precious bonding that I will never forget.

I'm glad you like the phone I gave you, and the camera. You are truly a smart kid. A strong one you. You do not let others in class or in life intimidate you. You stick to your own gun and even made others stay away. I guess I have never had such coolness when I was in sec or highschool. So, I want you to know, now, or 10 years, or 20 years later, that I'm tremendously proud of you, no matter what you do, no matter who you have or will become.

Happy 14th Birthday. I hope I'll be there to say so when you turn 24.

Because I love you.

With love, always