Thursday, April 29, 2010

Happy is a Yuppie word

Thursday 29-Apr-2010

Dear brother,

I am happy.

I guess you guessed it somehow by the lack of my complaints letters. But life is full of ups and downs, and I think it is important to share with you the good times just as the bad.

Work has been improving. Well, it's still as taxing as ever, but I'm good at what I do. The performance review period has just started, and I have good feedback about my work. I guess in life, it's very much depends on your luck, and also how well you can present yourself. Your work is only as good as how you present it. Take this from me, do not ever think that hard work will automatically be recognized. It takes time, patience, and firmness and willingness to fight to be recognized.

God Dad is wonderful. He's everything that a Dad is to me. I still love our Dad, our simple, non-verbal and not always understanding Dad. He's kind and loving in his own ways. But God dad is wonderful. He just gets me. He wants to protect me and take care of me in good and in bad, and he gets the struggle internally I went through. I'm so blessed. It just brought tears of joy to me when he said he would protect me from harm. I know Dad would do the same, but it's just so rare for any one in my life to ever say that. I was so used to being invincible and protecting people, when someone says they would protect me, it just touches my heart so deeply.

I'm in love. LOL. That's probably the strangest thing that ever came out of my mouth in the past 5 years. After so much drama and struggle, I thought I'd given up on it. And then comes love. As cliche as it is, it caught you by surprise every time. But I guess my determination to let go and to be happy plays a big part of it. You have to be ready to let go of pain, because each day brings amazing possibility of new happiness. Sometimes, even in the darkest place of loneliness, you just have to be patient and not turned neurotic and give up hope like your silly brother did.

A saying "Good morning sunshine" or "How was your day,son" can make my day these days. I have become a simple man. Simple minimalistic life. Simple happiness. Simply love.

Of course me being your brother, it has never been drama free. A friend from highschool whom I hurt (as unintentionally as I was) came back. An old relationship went sour. I struggled. But I don't want to be these people. I let go of the past. I let go of the pain. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be happy.

And here I am, happy.

At the end of the day, what I can say is, be brave. Love is new and love is terrifying. Happiness is wonderful and happiness is terrifying. But in the end it will all worth it.


Friday, April 9, 2010

The conversation about Love

Dear brother,

Had this nice long conversation with one of my favorite gal friends about ...Love. It is funny, and ironic. Last time when we had similar conversation, I was this moonstruck teenage dork who is absolutely clueless, and yet hopeful about love. She was the cynic, the one who says she would stay single forever and never to love any man (including me, so it's not personal). 8 years down the road, she's recently married to a soon to be PhD. I'm still single, alone, and just a Product Config guy (nothing to do with love, I'm just bitter with my social status).

We debate as usual, but there are insightful things she said that I agree. So I decided to share (in my words, so sometimes I quote movies and censored the swear words she used)

"People who say [you don't find love, love will find you] are either really pretty people, or lazy ass like you who just want things to happen. Life takes more than waiting. Even when I am not desperately looking for a guy, I look at the people around me, I find the ones I like to hang out with, then eventually I find those I like to go out and be with all the time. You don't know the moment you fell in love, but you HAVE TO WORK for love."

"Love don't complete you. Even marriage doesn't. To say one complete another means you yourself is a pathetic incomplete being. Love should be between 2 complete people who can embrace each other and be 2gether. Not one entity with 2 bodies, that's costly to maintain and easy to break."

"You have to let go to Love. You hang on too much to the past as if it means something. To let an old relationship die is to let a new one be born. She will never look back and see how a pathetic person you are for still wondering what would happen between you two. You will miss the next perfect soul for you sitting in the bus staring at your perky butt because you are too busy hanging on to the past" (She didn't exactly say "your perky butt", but well, I had to "product placement" a little)

"Ultimately, marriages are about legalizing sex, children, and tax rebates." (Sorry Henry, this is what your wife said).

I wanted to talk some more but she has excused herself to go to bed early as she works early (which is a nice subtle way of saying she needs to consummate her marriage with her freshly wedded husband)

Hope you have enjoyed my nonsense and my good friends' nonsense. Sometimes I do think Media students like us are completely nuts.

I hope you do find love, brother

With love

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Love me

Sunday 4th April 2010, 1:50am

Dear brother,

I know I have typed countless cynical things about love. Perhaps I grew weary of love. Perhaps I lost Faith. But sometimes, deep down, I still hope Love happens.

Someone touched my heart recently. I don't know where we are going. I don't know if we've gone too far in. But I'm contented. And it's a strange familiar feeling. I fear it. Yet I hope it will last.

To have someone you can laugh with, and share your days of ups and downs with. To have someone who said "I appreciate you for exactly who you are."

I'm a contented person now. At least for the past weeks. I know I have people who loves me. Mom and Dad. And you. I know no matter who I am, and no matter who you'd turn out to be, you'll love me the same. I have God Dad, who cares and shares with me. And I have this person, whom I cant define the relationship now, but it made me feel all cozy and warm.

I know, your brother can be such a complicated moonstruck teenager at time. :) 

I'm still lonely, but at least, I know I'm not alone.