Shake it out

April 1st 2012

Dear brother,

I know it has been a while (3 months?) since I last wrote. Much has happened. And I guess when you see someone everyday it's hard to write to their future self in 3-5 years. I know you are struggling a bit with school, but I also know you are a good kid and you are doing your best. I am proud of you. Although you don't like it when I say it too often, I am proud.

So let's me tell you, today, about loss, and how to shake it off, and move on with your life. You sure need that.

I lost my job. Well, technically I quit. But then again, being unemployed is unknown territory for me. Of course I'm putting on a straight strong face about it (and deep down I want a break anyways). I guess the loss was more of me losing my ideals. I came back here to change, to help, to build my legacy. And I got slapped in the face. You cant help people who don't need help. And when they do, they only need you for the ONE specific thing, and when they are done with you, you are tossed aside, like a piece of trash. That's reality. You are young, and I can see somehow, this place has made you cynical too. But brother, be idealistic, be a fool. Because you are too young to give up hope. You just need to shake it out and move on to the next ideals that are not crashed and burned and shit all over.

I lost my phone. Street thief. I love that phone like a part of my extended organisms. But hey, shit happens. What troubles me is how people reacts to it. To my foreign friends, they were so worried about my safety and shocked with the events. To my local friends, most of them just laugh it off. Apparently it is so common and it is my fault to be so careless. My mom almost laughed when I told her I would inform the police. How can we be in a place where everyone "accepts" insecurity and abuse as a way of life? I'm worried for you, your future. You will have to grow up accepting injustice as a part of life. Not that it isn't, but you don't have to be so hopelessly bound by it.

I lost my friend. My best friend. Not that he'd ever considered me that. I guess at one point you just get tired of being taken for granted. You try to be there. You made an effort. And when you just want the simplest form of respect, you'd become a crazy person who expect TOO MUCH. I asked a question, and I just needed a simple Yes, No answer, was it too much? He said he would do something, and he forgot about it, even after I asked about countless time, and when I reminded it him when the deadline draws near, was that too much? Sometimes the way people treat me as if I am crazy makes me crazy. I'm human, too. I have my needs, too. At one point I just give up on people. I stop expecting even the most basic form of courtesy. You will meet so many people in your life. You just need to deal with the disappointments of them, and move on...

I guess, the thing i lost the most, is my confidence. With the whole work situation, and my scholarship rejected, I'm beginning to question myself and my abilities. You see when you are alone for so long and without much help, you are all you've got. And your confidence is very important to go on. I just feel I don't really have that anymore.

So anyhow, what is lost, is lost. It can never come back. But that is a part of life. We live, we gain, and we lose. I just need to hang in there, shake it out, and plan for the next steps of the future. You too, little bro. Things don't look so great right now, but I know it'd be better for all of us. I don't know how. Quite frankly I lost the faith that it will be. I just need to remain in this state of in-between-ess and try not to drive myself crazy.

I'm such a mess, aren't I?