First steps

Wednesday 21st July 2010, 11:00pm

Dear brother,

It's been a while, and the last thing I sent you were how sad and despair (I know, drama queen) I am over how stagnate my life is. Since then, I have taken (strong) steps to change things. Of course I'm doing things differently. I'm taking small (but fierce) baby steps. One thing at a time.

I attended my first volleyball training today. It's been 5 years since I last touched the yellow blue white ball. And I still suck (Actually I thought I played a lot better than I expected myself to be playing). Of course this being Singapore it's never good enough. And the fact that my Accenture team desperately needs a win to win overall champion didn't help. I'm kinda hoping that the key main players will all turn up on Saturday tournament so I don't have to play myself. But I'm not gonna get my spirit beaten up again. I'm actually more looking forward to the amateur group training on Sunday (a rare group that is none competitive which I spent 3 days Googling for). I'll go for every training on Sunday and eventually get better at it. Not to win. Not for anyone. Just for me, and my love for that bouncing ball.

I sent a request to change project. I know it's futile. But every achievement starts with the decision to try. So I tried. The chance is pretty close to 0, but in my life, 0 chances happened many times. NUS. NOC. ACN. I just need to continue to strive and to move forward. I'm tired of whining and playing the victim of Fate.

I'm working on my relationship. I guess it's been long since I was last with someone. But I want it to work out this time. I need to work on not being afraid of being happy, being vulnerable, letting someone in. I needed that.

On top of that I've been studying GMAT hard core, and did a lot of photography. So well, brother, I'm moving forward. Fiercely but slowly. I'm so ready for change I feel I can rip anyone apart if they stand on my way.

Just you wait. I'll proudly tell you how many asses I kicked soon

Love

Brother

Circles

Thursday 15th Jul 2010, 3:15am

Dear brother,

I just got home from work. It was a bizarrely bad day.

I stopped loving the work that I do. They tossed me around job scopes like a ball. No one helped. They pointed fingers at each other and at me. No one cared. I'm just so completely helpless and alone.

Being a relationship is hard. I guess I've been alone so long I forgot how to be with people. Everything is going in circles, back and forth, so much drama and turmoils. I'm exhausted.

I don't know how long I will last, with a heart that is disheartened and a mind that is exhausted.

I'm just hanging on to the nothingness I imagine myself to be the happiness I never had.

What is a man to do?

Brother, how I wish you were here, and you can read this...

Love

Killing Silence

Thursday 1st Jul 2010

Dear brother

Miserable. That's the first word that came to my mind when I woke up this morning. I'm feeling miserable.

I stopped loving my job. I dragged my feet to work, threadful of the feeling. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I used to love my job so much, even the long hours didn't stop me. My heart is long disheartened. I no longer want to do it. I feel like giving up on everything.

He will not talk to me. No one will talk to me. I feel completely blocked out.

My colleague grew quiet. He who used to be so cheery and so helpful. He withdrew in a corner.He no longer talks to us. I just feel so helpless and isolated. I gotta handle all the work with very minimal help, and every time something goes wrong it's all on me to take the blame and clean the shit. I'm exhausted.

My God Dad has no word left to talk to me. I cant reach him. I tried to reach him, but I cant. It hurts me to hurt someone I care about. It seems every time I try for something that I truly want in my life, I hurt someone. Every time I open my heart for the possibility of being loved unconditionally, being free to make my own choice, I just hurt someone. In the end, I walk alone.

My relationship is reaching a complete halt. Actually, it's going backwards. I didn't know why I thought it was possible in the first place. The physical distance between 2 person can really make the distance from the heart grow wider. And to think I would have made a choice of choosing the path of happiness over the lonely one that I'm so used to. It's laughable. I'm too self centered to understand anyone else. I'm too independent to lean on someone. I feel so alone even in a committed relationship.

Read the news about a Korean actor who just suicided recently. Although I didn't think of anyone who would kill himself (I would never do such thing now, although I used to think about it in the past), I think I know how it feels. I know what it is like to be a bad man, to be a sad man. I know how it feels to be left all alone and problems just pile up instead of calming down.

I feel all alone. I have no one to talk to. No one to take my hands through this anymore.

Only noise, harassment, and disappointment remain...