Killing Silence

Thursday 1st Jul 2010

Dear brother

Miserable. That's the first word that came to my mind when I woke up this morning. I'm feeling miserable.

I stopped loving my job. I dragged my feet to work, threadful of the feeling. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I used to love my job so much, even the long hours didn't stop me. My heart is long disheartened. I no longer want to do it. I feel like giving up on everything.

He will not talk to me. No one will talk to me. I feel completely blocked out.

My colleague grew quiet. He who used to be so cheery and so helpful. He withdrew in a corner.He no longer talks to us. I just feel so helpless and isolated. I gotta handle all the work with very minimal help, and every time something goes wrong it's all on me to take the blame and clean the shit. I'm exhausted.

My God Dad has no word left to talk to me. I cant reach him. I tried to reach him, but I cant. It hurts me to hurt someone I care about. It seems every time I try for something that I truly want in my life, I hurt someone. Every time I open my heart for the possibility of being loved unconditionally, being free to make my own choice, I just hurt someone. In the end, I walk alone.

My relationship is reaching a complete halt. Actually, it's going backwards. I didn't know why I thought it was possible in the first place. The physical distance between 2 person can really make the distance from the heart grow wider. And to think I would have made a choice of choosing the path of happiness over the lonely one that I'm so used to. It's laughable. I'm too self centered to understand anyone else. I'm too independent to lean on someone. I feel so alone even in a committed relationship.

Read the news about a Korean actor who just suicided recently. Although I didn't think of anyone who would kill himself (I would never do such thing now, although I used to think about it in the past), I think I know how it feels. I know what it is like to be a bad man, to be a sad man. I know how it feels to be left all alone and problems just pile up instead of calming down.

I feel all alone. I have no one to talk to. No one to take my hands through this anymore.

Only noise, harassment, and disappointment remain...