Onward

"When you lost someone, you are not simply starting over. You are continuing without" - Mitch Abom

Calgary, 31st Oct 203

Dear brother,

I never thought the idea of leaving the keys on the counter, picking up my last bag, and walking out the door of my old apartment could be so iconic. We attach ideas into things I guess. I'm moving on.

As I sat down and settle things with the banker at a bank near my new address, I realized how far I've come. For a 28-year-old without much financial support from my middle class Vietnam family, I've come pretty far, as far as financial responsibility concerns.

I also realized the goodbyes I had to say to get here. Moving on has always been in my dictionary. Leaving behind the people I love, and being left behind. Yet, as Pace implied, and as most cases in life, it is about moving forward.

So everything ends. Soon, a whole new world begins. Or has it already? It's been exactly a year since I got here. Felt shorter. Felt like I just got up from a hazy dreams of hurt and struggles. But hey, sunshine Calgary is out there waiting.

Someone with mesmerizing eyes and beautiful heart is waiting.

Love,
Bro

 

"Everyone's waiting" - Six Feet Under

The bachelor

Calgary, Oct 29th 2013,

Just an update on my exciting dating life, this is it, the season finale. This is when the bachelor took home all 3 roses, and toss them in the trash. I let all 3 of my pursuits down easy.

Single again it is.

I guess, if I have learned anything in my 10 years of failed relationships is that, I fall in love with the same people: people who care for me, but do not fall in love with me for the right reasons; people that make me feel like I am not good enough; people who keep silence from me, who leads me on with indecisiveness.

I guess the first step in getting what you want is to know and let go of what you don't. I have always been afraid of being alone, of being rejected, of being not good enough. It is both poignant and empowering to be in the place to choose.

Choosing nothing is a choice. I chose me, to stick with my standards. It is a scary lonely dark cold winter out there.

Love is also out there. I think.

Be brave, brother. You deserve the best love there is

Love,
Your brother

Next to me

Monday, 21st October 2013

My dear brother,

September has registered to be the worst month of the year, while October was the month where everything "fall" into place (Since it's autumn, get it?) Heartbreaks, work stress, study stress, moving, etc. all that seems to be happening at once. Yet, as chaotic as it is, I feel a sense of incredible peace. More so, I feel a sense of being invincible. Am I?

Perhaps, the one thing that changed was that I stopped trying to make others happy. I stopped trying to control life. I tried to stop hurting. I accepted the fact that I can never be "good enough" for someone who is not even looking at me. I do have abandonment issues. I am afraid to be myself because I am afraid people would leave. Yet, leave they did. It wasn't the end of the world. New people appeared. People who sees the real me and appreciate the actual me. People who would say foreign strange thing like "you are so beautiful", "you are amazing". Without the terms and conditions coming after that "can you do this for me" or "you need to fix your teeth".

Perhaps I am worthy of affection. Perhaps I am worthy of love. Perhaps I am worthy of happiness.

With my dating life in full swing (i.e. messy), we were having a nice conversation. The date was going well. Somehow, the topic of the exes came up. And D. broke down and cried.

"It is just so sad. I hate people."

I stood up and gave D. a hug. And another. We said goodbye. There were still tears lingering in those beautiful haunting blue eyes. I was puzzled. To think someone I just met would cry for my story. Is it all that sad? I don't know. Maybe the anti-depressant is making me numb. Maybe, after 5 failed relationships in less than 10 years, I finally reach relationship Nirvana. Either way, I'm haunted by the tears.

"If God created us, why would he put us in the world that is full of tragedies" How damaged is this person to feel empathy for someone as damaged as me? I couldn't help but wonder, can love conquer all? Will these wounds ever heal? Or I am just falling back to my superheroes complex to just date and protect vulnerable people who will never fall in love with me?

All I can see are the tears in those beautiful blue eyes, the color of the autumn sky in chilling Calgary

All I can do, is coming back, next to me, caring for myself, and my wounds. Maybe, maybe one day I will be whole and healed. Maybe one day I will be ready to be with someone who wants to be with me, for me.

Until that day, brother, let us all pray

Hugs

Your brother

Up in the air

08/10/2013. Somewhere in the sky of Canada, near Manitoba

My dear brother,

It’s been some time. What a roller coaster it has been! Life has been moving so fast since September I barely got a hang of it. Much have happened. Much have changed.

Fall semester started. Everything becomes a blur of work, study, activities, and an emotional roller coaster. New people emerged in my life. New events happened that opened up old wounds. New found hope for the old lost me. Sometimes, I couldn’t help but wonder whether, only in all my hopelessness and despair, I can strive the best in my life.

My love life has been a bit of a mess. Between horrible dates and my ex dating HIV positive men, it seemed at time a downward spiral. There is a sense of conflict in me. People in their 20s all said I am missing out on all the “fun” of hooking up and random sex. Why commitment? Why seriousness? Why long term? When you can have fun and be fabulous and be desirable. I guess that is my problem. I have never seen myself as being desirable. I grew up with people telling me how ugly I look. I am not insecure, I’m just hopelessly realistic about my looks. And then it happened. 3 people are now vying for my attention. One had said they were falling for me. I couldn’t help but wonder, “WTF is wrong with them?” What is wrong with me? With all this new found confidence, I still can’t seem to move on.

Second science conference this year, as a Master student. My photography got sold for a TV commercial for ATB Financials (Alberta Banks). I got paid for the first month. I got a 6000 scholarship. I am amazing. I don’t feel amazing.

For the first time in my life, I’m facing my demons heads on. Anti-depressant, counselling, support groups. I want to take care of me now. Not family. Not relationships. Not friends. I want to now do what is right for me.

In the air, I realized, for far too long I have ignored the amazing me, while chasing after making others happy. Others are selfish. Others take care of themselves first. Others have never chose me. I need to choose me. I need to be me.

And brother, when you do that, amazing things happen. When you choose you, others will see how amazing you are. When you want the best in life and not compromise, you will get the best in life without compromise.

I may fall in love. I may not. It may be one of the 3. It maybe someone new. I may be alone my whole life and it will be ok. I want to adopt kids, open orphanage, and build a future. It would be great to do it with someone. I’m fully capable of doing it on my own.

For all there were, for all there is, I am on my own. I was born alone. I shall die alone. I am one of the universe and the universe is only one. I just need to breathe, and move on with life, no matter how hard and hurting it is sometimes.

Everything that drowns me makes me want to fly…