Up in the air

08/10/2013. Somewhere in the sky of Canada, near Manitoba

My dear brother,

It’s been some time. What a roller coaster it has been! Life has been moving so fast since September I barely got a hang of it. Much have happened. Much have changed.

Fall semester started. Everything becomes a blur of work, study, activities, and an emotional roller coaster. New people emerged in my life. New events happened that opened up old wounds. New found hope for the old lost me. Sometimes, I couldn’t help but wonder whether, only in all my hopelessness and despair, I can strive the best in my life.

My love life has been a bit of a mess. Between horrible dates and my ex dating HIV positive men, it seemed at time a downward spiral. There is a sense of conflict in me. People in their 20s all said I am missing out on all the “fun” of hooking up and random sex. Why commitment? Why seriousness? Why long term? When you can have fun and be fabulous and be desirable. I guess that is my problem. I have never seen myself as being desirable. I grew up with people telling me how ugly I look. I am not insecure, I’m just hopelessly realistic about my looks. And then it happened. 3 people are now vying for my attention. One had said they were falling for me. I couldn’t help but wonder, “WTF is wrong with them?” What is wrong with me? With all this new found confidence, I still can’t seem to move on.

Second science conference this year, as a Master student. My photography got sold for a TV commercial for ATB Financials (Alberta Banks). I got paid for the first month. I got a 6000 scholarship. I am amazing. I don’t feel amazing.

For the first time in my life, I’m facing my demons heads on. Anti-depressant, counselling, support groups. I want to take care of me now. Not family. Not relationships. Not friends. I want to now do what is right for me.

In the air, I realized, for far too long I have ignored the amazing me, while chasing after making others happy. Others are selfish. Others take care of themselves first. Others have never chose me. I need to choose me. I need to be me.

And brother, when you do that, amazing things happen. When you choose you, others will see how amazing you are. When you want the best in life and not compromise, you will get the best in life without compromise.

I may fall in love. I may not. It may be one of the 3. It maybe someone new. I may be alone my whole life and it will be ok. I want to adopt kids, open orphanage, and build a future. It would be great to do it with someone. I’m fully capable of doing it on my own.

For all there were, for all there is, I am on my own. I was born alone. I shall die alone. I am one of the universe and the universe is only one. I just need to breathe, and move on with life, no matter how hard and hurting it is sometimes.

Everything that drowns me makes me want to fly…