Calgary, 3rd March 2014
My dear brother,
I know sex is not a proper discussion among dudes who are brothers. But what the hell. When you read this you are already in your twenties and a little birds and bees talk doesn't harm at times. In fact, I am a little worried that as a teenager you are not watching porn or exploring sex. But then again, conservative Vietnam :D
So, let me just come right to it. I've been having a lot of sex lately. Well, for any "dude" in their teens or early twenties, it should have sounded like an accomplishment. For me, it feels like I'm losing myself. I mean, it is kinda strange and unfamiliar for a guy like me to be having all the attention now. Someone in their 40s were trying to pick me up and said "You look as cute as a button".
To be honest, I'm a little lost. I don't feel like myself anymore. I mean I am okay. But define okay. Work is great; study is great. I got laid 3 times last week. I finally found a person who would travel across Canada with me. Still, I'm feeling a little lost.
I was out with a date the other night. Well, if we can call it that. We had sex earlier and we agreed on the whole Friends with Benefit thing. I know. I don't recognize myself anymore.
There are plenty of men at the bar. They are all preying on the naive, low-self esteem women (especially the Asian ones). It's like Shark weeks on Discovery channel. I was thinking to myself that it is rather pathetic for a man in his 30s to still be hanging at bars picking up strangers, but you should see the ones in their 60s.
I couldn't help but wonder. How did I end up here? I mean when I was in college I hate people in stuffed up shirts and ties; and then I became a consultant, loving the suit career. I have always hated promiscuity (you know, deep within, I was a romantic) and now I ended up sleeping with strangers just to stroke my ego, one night at a time. What happened to me? Am I so scary and damaged that I have to become someone else to be the likable loveable "cool" dude. Every time I tell someone about my hook-up shit, I was secretly hoping someone would stop me, someone would tell me this is not who I am. Instead, I got even more encouragement, "cool! Dude", and "This is so much better for you".
As I knocked down another whiskey, another young girl left with the (much) older man at the bar.
I feel lost. I mean, I used to know where I am going and I know who I am. I am not so sure I like that person anymore. Why is it that He who has confidence and He who is me are so worlds apart?
I sighed as I swallowed down the last smoke of my cigarettes. If only there are as many people who hate the new me enough as those who hate the fact that I am smoking. My date waited patiently at the door of the bar. We had sex again that night.
I don't know why I am telling you all this. Well, perhaps just to let you know that your brother, too, struggle. I am, too, a nerd. I am, too, feel insecure about relationship and sex just as you are. It doesn't get easier. It just gets more routine, and like marijuana (which, I do smoke occasionally) the high gets less and less frequent, and harder to get.
I hope you are luckier than me, that you meet someone and fall in love and not having to struggle the way I did. When all fails, keep your head up, because you are a good looking, smart kid, and you are totally capable of being on your own.
Unlike your pathetic lonely big brother.
With love
