Lonely Planet

Tuesday 30th March 2010,

Dear brother,

I just came back from my overseas trip in Malacca, and yet I'm already overloaded with work, and down with a fever. I guess I'm just overworking myself, mind and body.

The trip was fine. It has many high points. Beautiful and charming people. Beautiful places. It was very peaceful, and quiet. The hotel was great, I enjoyed lots of complimentary stuffs.  I was swimming lazily in the pool, watching the magnificent dying sunset on the town.

That was when I realized, I have never been so alone.

Well, maybe it's an exaggeration, since it was way worse years back. Now I have family, god dad, and someone who cares for me. Still, I feel this sense of isolation, far away from all those loved ones. I feel like a middle age man, running away from his mid-life crisis just to see the sun set. It's unsettling.

I enjoyed traveling alone. The flexibility is great. But when I go around alone, no one to take pictures, no one to share meals with, no one to share the beds with, etc. It just hits me, I cant always be alone like this. I'll get old. I'll get sick. Who, then, will be there?

If one know they can't be together now, would we still hope to be together in the future? Sometimes it's even scarier to hang on to hope, then to be in despair. I'm caring  for someone and I'm scared of that feeling, because of the distance, and the time that we are apart.

I'm sorry I'm so whinny these days. I missed that happy, cheery child. But that person told me to be the child, to be vulnerable, and to fear. I smiled for that, because I have been strong and invincible for so long it's tiring.

Change. I just need something to change...

I'm lonely.