Goodbye 2013. Hello 2014

My dear brother

Happy New Year 2014!

What a year it has been for both of us! Looking back, I can't help but be proud of both you and me. Here are the things I have got, and the things I want to do in the next year. Most of all, I just want us to talk more, write more, and eventually reunite as the awesome band of brothers in Canada!

Love

2013 was a rather exciting and challenging year for me. It might have been the second best year of my life (the best is 2006 of course, with the NOC experience). It was very difficult as I am again back on my own, in a new country, starting a new school, with a new career start. If 2006 was the year of awakening. 2013 was the year of a reminder of the guy that I have become since. It has been an awesome year. Here are the things I've got.

- In January, I officially started my Master in Software Engineering, this time with scholarship.

- In Feb, I celebrated my birthday at Rimrock hotel (a 4 star luxury hotel), in the middle of the Canadian Rockies Mountains. I was in the room with a view, (and I had my birthday sex :p)

- In March, I won second prize in 2 categories of the UCalgary International photography competition

- In April, I got my first A+ (and I was really concerned that after 5 years I'm not academic anymore)

- In May, I got my first paper published, and attended a conference in San Francisco with the likes of Likned In, Mozilla, Microsoft, Googles, etc. authors

- In June, I got news that I was awarded Graduate Award Scholaship, to be awarded in installment over 12 months (I shall not reveal the amount to avoid jealousy)

- In July, I attended 5 different Canadian Festivals, and was the official photographer for 3.

- In August, I got my photography displayed in an independent coffee shop. An ad exec saw it and bought 1 piece for ATB bank commercial.

- In September, I finally got work permit and started working (almost) full time.

- In September, I rode a horse, through the breath taking valleys of Canadian Rockies, with the full colors of the fall

- In October, my second paper got published, and I got to go to Baltimore and Washington DC

- In November, I went to Hawaii, with my best friend for 10 years, @Kelly Chan. Amazing trip.

- In November, my joint business proposal with my prof got government funded. It's a Finland project. So Europe, here I come...

- In December, I got another A. I really think I got this study thing in order.

- In December, I re-visited Philadelphia, and NYC, and my god family in WV. A time for reflection and rest and love

- In December, I got to see "Peter and the Star Catcher", a fantastic Broadway prequel of Peter Pan

And here are the 14 action items I will do in 2014. 

1. Graduate. My 2-year-Master program. I need to get good GPA, graduate :)

2. Forgive. "Not because someone deserves forgiveness, but because I deserve peace".

3. Read. More like find time to read. But you get the picture.

4. Travel. 4a. Europe. 4b. Japan. 4c. South America. Either one of them or all. We'll see.

5. Play. I need to remember to take a break now and then, play an awesome PS3 or NDS3D game. 

6. Communicate. Say hi to an old friend once in a while. Life is short and relationships are precious. God knows how many of us will still be here tomorrow. Not that I believe in God :p

7. Meditate. I get too worked up too easily. I need to breathe and remember not to try too hard. Things will fall into place, maynot be the place I want them to be, but they will.

8. Quit. I need to learn to quit and let go. I sometimes hang on to pain as if it means something. Nothing is false about hope, but hope without ground is just stupidity.

9. Shut-up. I need to stop giving advices to others (job hazards of working with consultant firms). a) no one listens to my advice. b) when something blows up in their face I will have to help clean it up, even without the basic right of a smartass comment in place of "i told you so"

10. Go. Go offline, go hiking, go skiiing, go swimming, etc. anything that involves movements and not FB. 

11. Hug. Give more hugs to people and get more hugs from people. Because sometimes, all you need is a hug.

12. Smile.

13. Date. Continue my 2013 slutty phase and widen my date profile. LOL. (Guess who just has a date scheduled with a dancer?)

14. Love. Stop dating. LOL. I'm kinda sick of the whole thing and going through with the motion now. Would be nice to fall in love again. Other than that, loving my family, friends, and animals will do too!

Onward

"When you lost someone, you are not simply starting over. You are continuing without" - Mitch Abom

Calgary, 31st Oct 203

Dear brother,

I never thought the idea of leaving the keys on the counter, picking up my last bag, and walking out the door of my old apartment could be so iconic. We attach ideas into things I guess. I'm moving on.

As I sat down and settle things with the banker at a bank near my new address, I realized how far I've come. For a 28-year-old without much financial support from my middle class Vietnam family, I've come pretty far, as far as financial responsibility concerns.

I also realized the goodbyes I had to say to get here. Moving on has always been in my dictionary. Leaving behind the people I love, and being left behind. Yet, as Pace implied, and as most cases in life, it is about moving forward.

So everything ends. Soon, a whole new world begins. Or has it already? It's been exactly a year since I got here. Felt shorter. Felt like I just got up from a hazy dreams of hurt and struggles. But hey, sunshine Calgary is out there waiting.

Someone with mesmerizing eyes and beautiful heart is waiting.

Love,
Bro

 

"Everyone's waiting" - Six Feet Under

The bachelor

Calgary, Oct 29th 2013,

Just an update on my exciting dating life, this is it, the season finale. This is when the bachelor took home all 3 roses, and toss them in the trash. I let all 3 of my pursuits down easy.

Single again it is.

I guess, if I have learned anything in my 10 years of failed relationships is that, I fall in love with the same people: people who care for me, but do not fall in love with me for the right reasons; people that make me feel like I am not good enough; people who keep silence from me, who leads me on with indecisiveness.

I guess the first step in getting what you want is to know and let go of what you don't. I have always been afraid of being alone, of being rejected, of being not good enough. It is both poignant and empowering to be in the place to choose.

Choosing nothing is a choice. I chose me, to stick with my standards. It is a scary lonely dark cold winter out there.

Love is also out there. I think.

Be brave, brother. You deserve the best love there is

Love,
Your brother

Next to me

Monday, 21st October 2013

My dear brother,

September has registered to be the worst month of the year, while October was the month where everything "fall" into place (Since it's autumn, get it?) Heartbreaks, work stress, study stress, moving, etc. all that seems to be happening at once. Yet, as chaotic as it is, I feel a sense of incredible peace. More so, I feel a sense of being invincible. Am I?

Perhaps, the one thing that changed was that I stopped trying to make others happy. I stopped trying to control life. I tried to stop hurting. I accepted the fact that I can never be "good enough" for someone who is not even looking at me. I do have abandonment issues. I am afraid to be myself because I am afraid people would leave. Yet, leave they did. It wasn't the end of the world. New people appeared. People who sees the real me and appreciate the actual me. People who would say foreign strange thing like "you are so beautiful", "you are amazing". Without the terms and conditions coming after that "can you do this for me" or "you need to fix your teeth".

Perhaps I am worthy of affection. Perhaps I am worthy of love. Perhaps I am worthy of happiness.

With my dating life in full swing (i.e. messy), we were having a nice conversation. The date was going well. Somehow, the topic of the exes came up. And D. broke down and cried.

"It is just so sad. I hate people."

I stood up and gave D. a hug. And another. We said goodbye. There were still tears lingering in those beautiful haunting blue eyes. I was puzzled. To think someone I just met would cry for my story. Is it all that sad? I don't know. Maybe the anti-depressant is making me numb. Maybe, after 5 failed relationships in less than 10 years, I finally reach relationship Nirvana. Either way, I'm haunted by the tears.

"If God created us, why would he put us in the world that is full of tragedies" How damaged is this person to feel empathy for someone as damaged as me? I couldn't help but wonder, can love conquer all? Will these wounds ever heal? Or I am just falling back to my superheroes complex to just date and protect vulnerable people who will never fall in love with me?

All I can see are the tears in those beautiful blue eyes, the color of the autumn sky in chilling Calgary

All I can do, is coming back, next to me, caring for myself, and my wounds. Maybe, maybe one day I will be whole and healed. Maybe one day I will be ready to be with someone who wants to be with me, for me.

Until that day, brother, let us all pray

Hugs

Your brother

Up in the air

08/10/2013. Somewhere in the sky of Canada, near Manitoba

My dear brother,

It’s been some time. What a roller coaster it has been! Life has been moving so fast since September I barely got a hang of it. Much have happened. Much have changed.

Fall semester started. Everything becomes a blur of work, study, activities, and an emotional roller coaster. New people emerged in my life. New events happened that opened up old wounds. New found hope for the old lost me. Sometimes, I couldn’t help but wonder whether, only in all my hopelessness and despair, I can strive the best in my life.

My love life has been a bit of a mess. Between horrible dates and my ex dating HIV positive men, it seemed at time a downward spiral. There is a sense of conflict in me. People in their 20s all said I am missing out on all the “fun” of hooking up and random sex. Why commitment? Why seriousness? Why long term? When you can have fun and be fabulous and be desirable. I guess that is my problem. I have never seen myself as being desirable. I grew up with people telling me how ugly I look. I am not insecure, I’m just hopelessly realistic about my looks. And then it happened. 3 people are now vying for my attention. One had said they were falling for me. I couldn’t help but wonder, “WTF is wrong with them?” What is wrong with me? With all this new found confidence, I still can’t seem to move on.

Second science conference this year, as a Master student. My photography got sold for a TV commercial for ATB Financials (Alberta Banks). I got paid for the first month. I got a 6000 scholarship. I am amazing. I don’t feel amazing.

For the first time in my life, I’m facing my demons heads on. Anti-depressant, counselling, support groups. I want to take care of me now. Not family. Not relationships. Not friends. I want to now do what is right for me.

In the air, I realized, for far too long I have ignored the amazing me, while chasing after making others happy. Others are selfish. Others take care of themselves first. Others have never chose me. I need to choose me. I need to be me.

And brother, when you do that, amazing things happen. When you choose you, others will see how amazing you are. When you want the best in life and not compromise, you will get the best in life without compromise.

I may fall in love. I may not. It may be one of the 3. It maybe someone new. I may be alone my whole life and it will be ok. I want to adopt kids, open orphanage, and build a future. It would be great to do it with someone. I’m fully capable of doing it on my own.

For all there were, for all there is, I am on my own. I was born alone. I shall die alone. I am one of the universe and the universe is only one. I just need to breathe, and move on with life, no matter how hard and hurting it is sometimes.

Everything that drowns me makes me want to fly…   

How I met your...

September 24th 2013

Dear brother,

The weirdest thing happened today.

I met someone very cute the other night at a mixer event (a last year English major, nonetheless). And me being the low-selfesteem/shy guy, I did not give him my number or ask for his. It was one of those "What an idiot I was" moment. I told myself if I ever see the same person again, I will walk up, completely embarrass myself, and ask him out.

You know what? I saw him again today outside of the library. Talk about the universe sending a sign. So I did what I promised myself what I said I would. And he said "yes, why not?"

I know this probably doesn't go anywhere, like most of my recent dating endeavors. But it is kinda funny when you are not looking, and events like this happen. Just like Ted Mosby (that guy on a TV show that spent 9 years dating without luck, hurting over a girl) and he finally met the girl of his dream totally random at his ex's wedding. I have been moping over my ex for weeks now, and the universe is sending me this signal.

So I guess I write it down, save it for 25 years, and see if there is a "How I met your mother/father" moment.

Let's hope when you read this letter, we will know.

With love
Your brother

Zen Tuesday

September 17th 2013

Dear brother

Do you believe in cosmic coincident?

I had a really terrible Monday. I felt inadequate in class. I felt betrayed by my ex for their promiscuous behavior. I felt hurt and angry and devastated.

And somehow it was a preparation for today, which was a totally Zenned out experience.

I met my doctor and all was well. I had a meeting with my labmate (who is struggling with his work) and was able to offer some really good advice. I then had dinner with a new (girl) friend who has similar frustrations when it comes to relationship, study, and work.

And then, I went to meditation in a Soto Zen Sangha. 40 minutes of sitting meditation, 30 minutes tea ceremony, and 30 minutes of loving kindness sharing. I smiled so much.

And I forgave. I forgave the person that hurt me. I forgave not because of them, but because anger and sadness is bad for my health. So I forgave.

Buddham saranam gachami
Dharnam saranam gachami
Sangham saranam gachami

Brother, as a Christian to be, will you be Zen too?

With love