Grief

Calgary, May 7th 2013

Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance.

Dear brother,

Loss happens everyday. Death. Heartbreaks. Failure. Rejection. The more things we do/wish for, the more chances we are exposed to loss. So, dealing with loss is a constant process.

In a week, my research grant got rejected, my research poster got horrible review, I lost a friend and my ex found someone new. Of course I will not bore you with the details, but needless to say, the grieving process hasn't been easy.

Of course I kinda expected this to happen. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it did happen anyways. The cynic is ready for the worst, but the optimist in me is forever hopeful. "We must remember that disappoint is finite and hope is infinite" - Nelson Mandela. And there it is, the first stage of it all. Denial. I was still hoping. I was still wishing. Until it happens.

I was angry, of course. So much hard work was done. So much preparation. So much effort to maintain a good friendship/relationship too. And then it comes the bargaining, the waiting for it to happen, the wanting to do even more than what I have done. Now I'm just plain depressed.

I want to be done grieving. I want to be out there again. I want to wake up with the infinite hope of doing my best and getting recognition for what I do. I want to be surrounded by friends and a supportive environment.

I am not as strong as I used to be. Brother, if only I can share all this with you right now. I cant wait for you to grow up fast enough. But then, you will have your own loss to grief and to overcome. Am I too selfish to want you to be an adult? By then, will you, too, grieve your loss of innocence?

Life. Growing up sucks.

Love
Big bro