Change

Monday, 7th February 2011

Dear brother,

It is funny to write you a letter to the future, when I was just seeing you yesterday, when we were just celebrating birthday together on Saturday. You have grown. You are almost as tall and big as me now. And you have the worries that is very mature about the future, and yet the innocence of a kid who loves Transformer video games more than emotional talk with your brother. I am glad.

As the matter of fact, I wish things would not change. I wish you will forever be my little brother. But I guess change is the only constant thing, and no matter how hard I wish, I just cant get that. Things are changing so fast in Vietnam. Expensive cafe. High buildings. Cold and rushing people passing by. It's no longer the kind and loving Vietnam I used to love.

I am changing. I wish I could say I am not. But I am. I wish I wasn't snobbish and annoyed by how noisy and impolite the people were. I wish I wasn't judgmental when I looked at youth these days in their fancy clothes and loud mouth arrogance. I wish I wasn't scared of pickpocketers when I was in the crowd. I wish I could feel like I still belong. I don't.

The fact is, brother. I, more than anyone else, wish for change. I want to be next to the people that I care about. I want to be next to the person I love. I want to be somewhere I can breathe. I want to be somewhere I can be myself. I want to be with the mountains, the ocean, the air so cool and the whispers of "It will be alright, I promise".

I'm exhausted. Desperation, almost. Rejections after rejections. I feel like giving up and just go home. Only to realize I don't belong anymore. It's all changed. Even mom and dad advised me not to come back.

So brother, here I am, 26, trapped in the 16 year old. Difference is, at 16, I didn't know who I am and what I should do. Now, I know that, I just cant be that. Not here, in this tiny space where it is even hard to breathe at times.

Change. I wish for change... My birthday wish. I wish for change...