A conversation with an long time friend

Tuesday, 8th February 2011

Dear brother,

I wanted to share with you a conversation I had with my long term ex-girlfriend (yeah, it's complicated). She's the first girlfriend I had and we had it on and off for 5 years, so sometimes it just feel so natural for us to talk and be with each other (she occasionally holds my hands and I occasionally thought of her as someone near. We still call each other dear). It was on the afternoon of my birthday, in a crowded Vietnam cafe, and the 2 of us speaking English, as if we are in a world of our own. What's the point of this? Well, to share with you what seemingly 2 healthy, successful 26-year-old struggle with, and how someone you met and fell in love at 15 can be in your life 10 years later. I shall call her She.

He: So what's the deal with the engagement ring?
She: What ring? This? It's from the guy I'm dating.
He: So when is the problem?
She: The problem is he has a girlfriend.
He: Well, I'm not judging. But is there a future to this?
She: You know, you can always be with someone, someone who is there for you, to listen to you, to care for you, even when you know fully well that you two have no future together
He: Like an emotional prostitute?
She: Yeah, like that. We rape each other off the emotions
He: That's why I broke up with my girlfriend last year.
She: You had a girlfriend?
He: Yeah, for a while. But then she wanted something more, something I was not ready to give. She wanted to settle down, get married, have a happy ending. I thought I was ready for that. But then I realized, I love myself too much to settle down. And I still need to go soul searching. So I let her go...
She: You are selfish, you know. Good selfish.
He: Yeah, I know.
She: I wonder why we ended up such broken people. You, me and her. We grew up together and we had careers and all that. Somehow when it comes to love it's always screwed up
He: Not broken. Maybe damaged. I blame it on my mom.
She: The woman of your life?
He: Yeah. Sometimes I feel I was so busy being the person she wanted me to be I have no time to be me.
She: That is your problem. You work hard at many things and you become good at them, but you never know who you are.
He: Agreed. Maybe that's why I never grew up. That's why I'm forever soul searching.
She: You are a 16 year-old-boy trapped in an ugly 26 year-old-man. Only with more spending power on travelling.
He: Yah, still. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for hurting you when I was younger. I was such a kid.
She: It's still not too late now
He: (laugh) I thought of that sometimes and how nice it is. But I care for you too much to be your boyfriend. I will only break your heart
She: (laughs) Maybe it's not the right time yet.
He: One day. Maybe. But listen. Sometimes in life we are so used to having our heart broken that we go out, working like crazy, searching for people that will only break our hearts, or worse, being with someone and hurt them. We tell ourselves we are so broken we do not deserve to be happy. And that's not true. I have never known anyone that is more deserving of happiness like you.
She: You are gonna make me cry.
He: Oh well, if you ever need an emotional prostitute...

And there you go, brother. I don't know if any of it makes sense to you, because we are sort of in our own world. But one day, I'll tell you about this...

With love.