A concert of Past Phantoms

09-01-2010

Dear brother,

I went to an A Capella concert today.

I don't know if I ever mentioned to you, but when I was in University (ah, those were the days), I used to sing A Capella, in a group. It was a small cozy students thing, and I wasn't any good. I guess when I started working, that part of me died somewhere, buried deep under my untalented voice (and my ugly face). As a tenor, now I cant even sing a proper high key in a Boyband song.

The truth is, I don't miss singing at all. I don't even miss the stage. The light, the audience, the friends. They all died with that part of me, somewhere. Tonight was kinda a phantom of that.

I can't remember when was the last time I went to a concert (I think 2008 before I changed job, it was an NUS thing) or a social event in general. Blazer, cologne, hair gel, all dressed up for the event where I know I would end up smoking alone during intermission. Don't get me wrong, I totally enjoyed the performance, there are great songs and great performers (except for, hmmm, the SMU kids). It's just it's a stupid social notion that it's sad when you go to a concert alone. I met an old friend and the first thing that came out from his mouth was "Who are you going with tonight?" Awkward silence.

It's just, I'm a little jealous. My friend found their passion. They know what they want and they got so good at it. I'm just a senior programmer. Photo snapper. Painter. Not even a good programmer. Not even a photographer. Not even an artist. I just wish I had that courage to pursue what I want. To BE what I wish I could have become.

Work has been challenging. Night shifts after night shifts. Sat and Sun. Also there are underlined tension after the project recommendation for promotion across teams in March. It's like I can feel silent middle fingers. I KNOW for the fact that there are people way better than me, there are people that deserve it more than me. I actually asked to make sure they got nominated as well. But I will NOT apologize for the fact that, just as everyone, I strove hard and made sacrifices; and that was recognized. I had never compromised my integrity to get there.

Life is like a performance. Sometimes you are in the light. Sometimes you are in the dark. Sometimes you have your lines, your emotions, your chords. Sometimes you are lost. Sometimes you are with friends. Sometimes you play a monologue.

Most of the time you are all alone.

Tonight, listen to the voices and the beats of the past, I guess I finally found closure.

I guess this whole 2010 and Feb events are getting to me. 26 days. 25. It's like I'm desperately wanting for something, or someone, to happen. Nothing did.

Time to sleep. Long work days ahead.

Exit, stage left...