One

Saturday 24th Jan 2010, 3:15am.

Dear brother,

I just finished a 14 hours day work, a jog at mid night, and writing about 3000 Chinese simple for Japanese class.

Tomorrow is THE DAY. The project is going live, and it's gonna be used by people all around Singapore to service about 2 million customers. It's the 14 months of late nights, and weekends, and endless frustration. It's the beginning of months of 24/7 shifts support, day and night. I feel nothing.

By this time, I have lost my ability to feel. Although for a brief 2 seconds today, I had a feeling I wanted to just break down and cry.

10 years later, I'd tell you that this is one of the most challenging challenge of my life. And it's not about the fucked up work hours, the job scopes, the struggles, the 2 cigarettes I smoke a day. It's about the people I have by me to go through it.

My friends are pissed off with me because I got pissed off at them for not being there, for ditching me for their partner, for not answering my call for help. My closest friends gave up on me, because I gave up on them. The only friend I can always come to for whining is going through an even more incredibly hard time himself, and as selfish as I am I cant bring myself to bother him. Mom and Dad are clueless, as usual.

Sis is pissed at me because I wouldn't use my credit card to buy something fancy for her husband. I trust that she would return me and I told her I didn't mind, but I really have NO TIME to take care of all that logistic (That, and I hate her husband and I WOULDN'T even consider buying the item for myself, and I earn twice as much as their salary combine, which is technically hers as he's a lame lazy jobless asshole). I'm sick and tired of apologizing to her for being Mom's favorite kid. She chose what she wanted in life and her passion and the guy she wanted despite what everyone said. I sacrifice for that relationship with mom and I worked hard for what I had. It just seems like ever since she got married I lost her completely. The person whom I used to laugh with, cry with, who used to make nice things for me to give my girlfriends, who used to lie to mom and take all the blame if I did something wrong. It just seems like she abandoned the boy for another man (who happen to be an ass). And she made me apologize for it.

I got so tired and lonely I reached out for someone impossible, someone who has chosen not to be a part of my life anymore.

Pathetic, isn't it? I guess I am forever this perfectly flawed human needing just a minimal bit of attention to be overly hopeful (i.e. denial).

For just once I wish to be the selfish one, the terrible one, the crying one, the childish one; I don't even have the chance to do it.

I'm a good man. Might not look it. Might not act it. But I'm a good man. I deserve to be happy. I deserve someone who stayed. I deserve someone who sees me for who I am, and will fight the challenges of life with me.

So oh well, fuck the world.

Time to sleep. Long nights ahead...