Loss

4th Jan 2010

Dear brother,

I think I'm at a loss. 3rd day into my long leave, and I'm already going insane. Maybe I should go back to work tomorrow, or Tuesday. Somehow it's just easier to work 12 hours a day than spending all this time to myself.

I guess it's the whole new year, new decade, new resolutions thing. 25. Scary number. I'm at a bit of a loss in direction in life. I am exactly where I was last year, career wise or the search of happiness wise. I probably know what I want to do, but I'm so scared and alone. You don't know how much I wish for a brother from the future to tell me it'll all be ok, that whatever choices I made now will make a better tomorrow for me. That I need not be alone.

I guess I'm at a bit of loss of faith. I don't even want to believe in the notion of having faith any more. Not making any sense. I just wish sometimes someone sees me for the person that I am, not what I look like or sound like. I just wish sometimes someone sees it and don't run away screaming. Sometimes I just wish someone is there. Anyone.

I guess I am at a loss of friendship. I gave up on them. And I want to tell them really how much I am sorry for that. I don't give up on people. But I do now. Even my closest friends. And it's not even their fault. They have their own lives, their very own struggles. It's just, I'm tired to reach out. I'm tired to even try to reach out. I'm tired of being angry, of being second rated after a fan, or an elder, or a boyfriend, or a nap, etc. It's selfish and it is unfair. So I guess the most mature thing to do for me is to give up.

I guess I'm at a loss of strength to continue on with the search for happiness on my own. I guess I'll just let it be. It comes when it comes. It might never come. At least I'm not wasting my time fighting or expecting it. Tired of people sometimes.

Don't worry still I'm not suicidal. I want to live (and paint and photograph and watch TV and many things more, without being happy). I just wish I could like vanish to some mountain tops or ulu beaches and rest my tired mind. Singapore just drives me crazy. But then I cant book tickets because it's already too late.

I think I'm losing my mind.