Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I'm alive

Thursday 14-Jan-2010, 2:00AM

Dear brother

I'm alive. It's so hard to even say that. Been working non-stop since last week. Sat. Sun. Monday 6pm - 9am. Tuesday 6pm - 7:30am. Wednesday 4pm until now. Sometimes I was alternating between the state of zombie and human. Sometimes when I sleep I feel alive, and when I wake and work I feel as if I'm in a surreal dream.

Tired of even being human.

I just realized I didn't learn much, or earn much in the past 1 year. All that time. All that sacrifice. I wish sometimes someone saw it. Tiring. God damn fucking tiring. There are still many things I don't know, and when the time is right, I could not even fix that... Feel overwhelmed by uselessness and fatigue somehow

I wish for once I could be an ass and choose NOT to do something because someone else NEED me to. I'm not even important. They don't even give a damn.

Perhaps the lack of sleep is turning me into a horrible person. Well, it's certainly not very uplifting to my borderline insanity rock bottom state of mind. Vicious cycles of delay and more redundant work, and life time wasted. Never ending. Never gonna mean anything.

Tomorrow new days will come. I keep telling myself when it cant get worse, it'll get better. Day by day it keeps getting worse.

I'm alive, somehow. As much as I can, I want to be alive, I want to LIVE life, to its fullest of meaning. But how long can I still hang on till the word itself lose its meaning... Maybe it's true, I don't need to be happy, to be happier alive.

I'm seriously considering a drastic change.

We'll see, 10 years later, how I will survive this.

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